So. A day after Alegra Torel picked out new duds for me at Daffy’s, it was all about hair and makeup at DEX New York. And when I got there, there was some sort of casting call for a Rosario Dawson movie and this lady asked me if I was there for the open call and I said, “No,” but couldn’t help but feel like she was laughing at me on the inside and thinking, “Oh, honey, you’re never going to make it.”
And as I sat in the official chair and waited for Scott the Stylist, I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered how it is actually possible that you can get ready at home and think you pretty much look okay but then you get somewhere like that and see yourself in a mirror and realize that you actually look like death. (One of the Twitterati said it’s because of lighting changes and that’s why she always brings a blush stick with her.)
So…Scott came and sat down with me and said, “Talk to me…” and I told him what I’d heard about going darker and he said he thought darker was a mistake and got out these color samples and was holding up all these different shades of brown on my forehead, saying, “See? That looks terrible.” He said I need something with a little red because of the tone of my face…or something like that. He *also* said he didn’t want to cut off any of my hair…which was a big relief as I was worried he was going to say, “You’d look SO GOOD with a pixie cut!” and then I’d have to decide whether I was brave enough and I don’t really think I am. But, nope. He said he likes long hair and that he wanted to give me “Victoria’s Secret hair.” Then he asked what *I* wanted and I told him that my big problem is that it gets really poofy and every morning I straighten it, but it always gradually frizzes out again — some days faster than others…and so I feel like I spend SO MUCH TIME calming it down…and THAT is when he told me about this Moroccan straightening treatment that he swore would change my life and he said it was “like crack for hair” and that I was going to call the next day, raving, “I love you, bitch!” and on and on. So…that’s what we did…and — gotta say — he was right. I’m totally in love with it. He said that it would be perfectly straight right after I got out of the shower EVERY DAY. And…it is! It’s amazing — I can’t say enough good things. My hair is totally not cumbersome and it’s soft and I love it…and all he had to do was comb it in and let it sit for 20 minutes and blow dry it and straighten it.
While he was shampooing me, he was asking about my life and stuff, so I told him that I was a business reporter for awhile, but I hated it, so I went to J-school…and I like to bake, so my dream was to work for Martha…and I sort of made that happen, but it sort of didn’t work out the way I thought it would…and he said, “I don’t read you as a baker. You’re a writer, right?” and I told him that, yes, whenever I used to bake things and bring them into the office, coworkers would always ask why I didn’t quit to open a bakery and I’d have to explain that writing is my #1 love and baking is a close second. And HE explained that he was raised Catholic but has since veered off a bit and God is still his #1 guy, but he has also studied Wicca and things like that and that he *actually* also goes by the name “Cosmic Cosmetologist” (I think I’m quoting that right…apologies if I got it slightly wrong…) and that he does this special thing in which he’ll do your hair *and* read your cards…and that he read my aura and said that he got big-time writer from me and I said, “Well, I’ve been working on a book for awhile…” and he said, “Yes. That’s what I’m reading from you. I think you could be really big.” SO! How about that?? (And, hey, Yankees fans — he also just did Jorge Posada’s wife’s hair. So — this guy’s the real deal.)
He *also* said that he sees my life substantially changing in two weeks — even on the man-front. (!) And that puts me smack-dab in the middle of Costa Rica. So…we’ll see. (Although that damn psychic in Malibu told me in 2004 that I was going to meet my soul mate between February and August 2007…and we all know how well that worked out…)
So…once my hair was straight, the makeup guy, John Henry, sat down with me and asked what I wanted…and I didn’t really know what to say other than, “I want to look nice.” And said he has 12 sisters and that they mostly just want to look clean and polished and he’s really into Old Hollywood and classic/timeless looks…and I was totally on board with all of that…and explained that I have pretty big lips and so whenever I have tried to use lipstick, I always feel like it looks like my lips are exploding off of my face…and that when my pal Katherine was in NY earlier this year, she convinced me to try red…and it worked on her, but I felt like it looked like I was a kid playing dress-up…or, alternatively, the most awkward hooker ever. (John Henry said every woman wants to wear red at one point in her life…and it means she’s arrived.)
So…he got to work…and it was supposed to be, like, a “simple” look that I could easily create for myself at home…but it started out with him saying that he wanted me to go buy some miso bowls so I could whip up this stuff for myself every morning…and then he covered my face with this liquid/powder combo…and, yes, it made my skin tone even…but it was definitely heavier than I was used to…but, then again, he said you always want your face to match your decolletage…and I guess that’s the only way. And then he harkened back to the 70s/80s with thin eyeliner on the inside of the lid and actually gave me blush…which I never really use because I feel like I get embarrassed enough as it is…and then he actually gave me red lips. (But with a hint of guava!) And…I didn’t actually feel like I looked like a kid this time.
Then I had to change into the special outfit with the backwards belt in order to take the “after” photos…but…I was very uncomfortable and it wasn’t really working (I could actually sort of feel my cheeks shaking when I tried to smile)…so they finally plied me with white wine…and that helped a LOT (and later prompted me to have a fairly tipsy conversation with my mother and send a number of ill-advised text messages.). John Henry sort of gave me a quick modeling lesson…but I just kind of feel like a buffoon leaning on doors and looking back all sultry and whatnot…and don’t even get me started on the walk-spin-look-back-thing. But they were really sweet and patient with me! And I think the takeaway is that you just stand up straight and stick everything out. I have maybe discovered the secret of modeling. Or at least the secret of modeling when you are Lisa Lacy.
Scott, bless his heart, said I looked like Britney Spears in one of the photos…but…I don’t know. Even after all of that help, I still feel like I look uncomfortable and pale in a lot of photos. (Although I will say that I’ve gotten quite a reaction to my new Facebook profile photo…) And…I don’t know why I was so fixated on Makeover Day being this one day when I would be really pretty…because I’m not sure I even look like myself in those photos…and the next day I was back to looking more like my regular self…but with really straight hair. And I’m loving the hair. And I don’t want to get too feel-good on you, but I think this is a really happy ending.
Disclosure: All products were provided for review. No monetary compensation was received for this review. All opinions belong to the author.