Rant of the Week: Awkward European Kisses

Written by Gary

I love kisses. I love Europeans. But I hate awkward European kisses. Every time a super gay guy comes up to me and demands that we kiss on both cheeks, I want to shoot myself in the head. I always inevitably miss, have to make another awkward lean-in attempt and normally end up with someone’s canines biting into my forehead. I dislike this double-kissing phenomenon so much that I tend to just rub my cheek against theirs hoping my patchy Mexican-preteen stubble will make them break out.

I am from a small town in the South. I have never actually been to Europe. Even if I had, I am proud to be an American, where we say our “hellos” with a firm handshake and a long stare down the barrel of a shotgun. I am sure somebody somewhere decided that the double kiss was “super-chic” and “totally forward thinking” but we are the country that made an international celebrity out of Honey Boo-Boo. We are not chic, or forward thinking. We should own our trashiness and ditch the double kissing before a pandemic of European cooties sweeps through our country and decimates all life.

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About the author


Gary is the gay guy that every girl wants to be, and every guy wants to be with (Mostly because he can't get pregnant). He is based in Manhattan, but loves traveling to exotic new people, and sleeping with interesting new places. He is an adventurous writer, digital artist, and game designer that will try almost anything if it makes a good story.
--Instagram: @garyadrianrandall --Twitter: @gadrianrandall

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