I was in line at Whole Foods yesterday – the small coffee line, not the labyrinth of stress and confused foreigners that is the general check-out line – and I was hoping for a more relaxed, pleasant in-line experience, but it turned out to be more distressing than ever. I heard the man behind me utter something in an unrecognizable, borderline indecipherable accent.
“What country you from?” he asked.
“Oh, like, here,” I replied, thoroughly cognizant of how cliché-dumb-American-girl-at-Whole Foods that sounded.
“I’ve been looking at you for a few minutes now,” he replied, “and your beauty sweeps me away. Want to go for a walk?”
Not knowing how to respond, I took a cue from Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids when a strange man asks her if she wants to go for a walk, too, and simply said, “I can’t.”
Ok, first, he’d been looking at me “for a few minutes”? I’m sweating and can’t remember the last time I washed my hair, and out of the trillions of shoppers in Whole Foods, he spent “minutes” looking at me? Weirdsies. I don’t like it. Second, no, I do not want to go for a walk. These Jeffrey Campbells weren’t made for walking, so that’s not what they’ll do. You know what else wasn’t made for walking? New York City in the summer. Third, the homeless people laying outside of Whole Foods were wearing outfits styled better than this man’s unfortunate attempt at business attire.
Now I’m getting judgmental. Eh, whatevs.
Anyways, this interaction ended like this: I said no to the walk, he said, “Some other time?” to which I replied, “No,” to which he replied, “But I won’t be at Whole Foods for another 6 months.” What, is Whole Foods like a biannual thing for him? I wish I had comebacks that consist of more than “No” for these situations, but I absolutely do not. Excuse me while I go consult Gary for ideas.
