Ruminations on vag beards

Written by Aliza

The bushes of New Jersey can now breathe a sign of relief. And I’m not talking about shrubbery.

Last week, New Jersey legislators proposed a ban on Brazilian bikini waxing after two women allegedly suffered infections after getting stripped bare down there. Thankfully, the ban got overturned. I’d like to know what type of waxing establishment these women visited. If any part of the business’s name had the words “We’ll wax your vag for free,” in its title, and by waxing they meant light touching, problem solved, ladies!

Unless you’ve had a Brazilian, you might not be familiar with what really goes down on that waxing table (read: table of doom and torture).You’re naked from the waist down and there’s some woman working away furiously between your legs. Men: if this sounds sexual, it’s not. Because, what this woman is doing should definitely not be legal. In fact, it should probably be banned in civilized countries. It’s cruel, inhumane, and unforgiving. She’s on a treasure hunt, but there’s no gold, there’s pubes; And, she doesn’t get a chest of gold coins, she gets nothing. The waxer has to know her way around a vag, which compliments my theory that they’d make very good lesbians. They also have to know their way around an ass, which compliments my theory of nothing. The only person who should know an ass as well as a waxer is the “actor” in that performance I saw in Amsterdam that one time (call me!).

Can you even fathom the consequences if Brazilians had been banned? No one likes a hairy bush. No one! And if you’re going to come at me with the, “I think natural is sexy,” commentary, I’m going to let you in on a secret: It’s not. You’re wrong. There’s nothing sexy about that, nothing. And if you think a gigantic canopied forest of hair surrounding such a high-trafficked area of the body IS sexy, may I remind you of other “hairy” things that are historical proven failures: back hair, Cavemen and cavemen, the beehive, and Hitler. I heard he had the hairiest vag of them all.

Signing off: peace, love and vag wax.

Disclosure: All products were provided for review. No monetary compensation was received for this review. All opinions belong to the author.

About the author


a born and bred Manhattan-ite who graduated Lehigh University in 2007 with a degree in Journalism. She currently lives with her two patient roommates and works for Valentino Fashion Group where she handles a lot of garment bags, answers a lot of phones, and does a lot of what anyone tells her to (most eagerly in PR and Marketing). She favors brunch over lunch, heels over flats, tequila over vodka, downtown over uptown, and a tropical destination over pretty much anything else in the world.


Leave a Comment