Fashion Week in New York sucks, so that’s basically it. Here’s what has happened so far:
1. Editors everywhere have fled Lincoln Center in pursuit of free blowouts and manicures.
2. Most designers put out fashion that was ironic. Ironic in the sense that I’m pretty sure they copied stuff from the 2013 Burlington Coat Factory racks, but in posher materials. Yay?
3. The steps of Lincoln Center have become so littered with fairy dust, feathers, and faux leather that I’m afraid I’ll literally catch some type of nasal version of the clap if I breathe the air.
4. Like 4 people in the world are still bragging about being at Fashion Week. If you know them, send them an invitation to Candy Crush Saga.
5. Really, really old guys are getting involved. There’s a chance some desperate young girls will need their rent paid in this down economy.
6. The only people left actually attending the shows are those with Tumblr pages who had the chutzpah to con 23 year old PR girls into letting them in (those chairs won’t fill themselves), and big publishing house employees who would rather be at a show than chained to their normal 14 hour workday desks. Both groups bring their own thimbles of coke.
7. A lot of dogs seem to be making their way to NYFW. Isn’t that cruelty to animals to be packed into a nylon purse that hardly (if at all) ventilates, just to see a bunch of other dead animal kingdom things strapped to frail bodies on a runway? I don’t know. Doesn’t seem right.
8. Every major company in the world thinks they should participate. Like honestly, is a Kohl’s runway show really necessary? And what on Earth does Axe Body Spray have to do with fashion? Unless they’re just sponsoring as a sort of warning to let people know: Hey, we’re appealing to the Axe Body Spray wearers of the world. Just steer clear of all this shit.
9. Where are all the lounges? Remember like 4 years ago when the chic, posh lounges had massage chairs and free-for-the-taking imported prostitutes? What now? A quick nail polish change and a deli-quality cookie? If you want me to actually sit through these shows, I’ll need something properly delicious and a manicure with cuticle trim. Otherwise, I’ll just wait for fashion to get better and Oprah to have a hit show again.
10. Naked people seem to be everywhere, as if to say “the only thing fashion hasn’t done yet is nothing.”
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