Textual Revolution!

It’s happened to most singles with a cell phone—the drunken text message laced with innuendo, or the more obvious sexual proposition. Textual intercourse- or the act of having a pseudo relationship via text message- is an undeniable craze that most horny 20-somethings partake in. Like any sexual behavior, it is imperative that you are responsible while enjoying this lazy and convenient form of communication. Responsibility becomes especially important when alcohol is introduced into the situation. 

 

 

 Late last year, internet giant Google introduced Mail Goggles, a feature that forces G-Mailers to solve five arithmetic problems in under 60 seconds before sending an e-mail during drunk hours (10 p.m. to 4 a.m., by default). This takes care of one medium of drunken outreach, but what about the texts? 

 

We’ve been told there were innovations in the works to prevent this heinous crime on humanity. Samsung was supposedly awarded a patent to sort out the whole messy ordeal—a Delete! Delete! option which can abort a text before it has been read by its recipient. Whether it’s true or web gossip, we can all take control of the drunk texting epidemic by first being informed.

 

Sometimes alcohol or other mind-altering states can blur the lines between good and bad cell phone etiquette. The lines with drunk texting are more obscure than drunk calling because in theory, texting someone at two in the morning seems less invasive and therefore more considerate than calling them. This isn’t true; in fact, text messaging someone can be more damaging than calling.

 

Say you call someone at an hour when most people are sleeping. They don’t pick up, so you have two options: hang up, or leave a voicemail. If you do leave a voicemail, the person you called will hear how drunk you were and hopefully exonerate you from your behavior. No one gets hurt.

 

This isn’t the case with a text message. Several issues arise the minute you hit ‘send’. For as long as you remember sending it, you will check your phone frantically for a response. If you never receive one, you may begin to feel regret for sending the message. You may over-analyze the situation, wondering, “Did I say something wrong?” or “Does he have an unreliable service carrier?” This is no good, especially when you are likely out somewhere and have the opportunity to meet new people. The best way to conquer this is to delete your outbox. The night may seem long and lonely, but in the morning there won’t be a reminder of your failure.

 

Some More Tips For Proper Drunken Texting:

 

• Make sure you’re texting the right person. Don’t complicate things for yourself by sending a mass text to every person you might want to go home with that night. This just leads to confusion and possibly an irrelevant response to the wrong person.
• Don’t leave the bar alone and then text the person you wanted to leave with five minutes later. Go for what you want in person, it shows confidence and two people sharing a cab is cheaper. If you’re worried about leaving the bar together because of who’s around, meet up down the block. 
•  If you’re trying to lock it down with someone who is already in a relationship, don’t ever text them first, and if you must, start with something that isn’t incriminating. If you get caught in a text love triangle, it will always be your fault when your affair is found out [Ed. Note: I do not condone this, but we’re not all moral champions].
• If at first you don’t succeed, don’t keep trying. The person you are texting is probably sleeping, busy, or not into the idea. This will only be used against you in the future.
• If you’re texting someone in the same location as you, there is a reason the conversation can’t happen in person. This is probably a mutual understanding. So keep your phone on vibrate as to not arouse suspicion, and keep the knowing glances to a minimum.

 

Of course, we’re all impervious to our better judgment at times; myself included. But in the words of the all-knowing G.I. Joe, knowing is half the battle. Happy Texting!