You may think that the point of vacationing is to be free of all rules and regulations, but there are still general do’s and don’ts for every vacation. I call these tips the 7 deadly sins of vacationing. I refer to them as deadly, because while you may personally live through them, they will certainly kill the possibility of having a great vacation.
Wrath– If you have never been on a vacation where someone got angry, then chances are you have never been on a vacation. If you are doing an amusement park vacay, your kids may throw a shit-fit if they can’t ride every single ride in every single park. If you are amongst college buddies, chances are one of them is going to get drunk and throw up in a fountain, and incite ire amongst the other drunken co-eds. My advice for keeping your cool on a trip is to take naps often, plan your days out loosely, and if you get too drunk, find some cocaine.
Sloth– Vacations are all about sleeping in. But sleeping in until 3 PM is inexcusable, because you miss out on half the activities of any given trip if you sleep through every day. My suggestion is to set your alarm for noon, which gives you about 6 hours to enjoy daylight activities, and the rest of the night to party. If you find yourself too tired, drink a bunch of energy drinks, or try some of those newfangled energy patches or mints like the ones from Spot on Energy.
Lust– The perfect vacation always includes a vacationship or hookup. If you are on a trip with a lover, you can discount this, unless of course you are super slutty, or have an open understanding with your partner. But if you are planning to prowl for some strange on the streets of Italy late at night, just make sure you wrap it up. The last souvenir you should ever bring back from a vacation is Herpes.
Greed– Money is the root of all evil, and so the last thing we want to do while we are on vacation is police every dime we spend. Still, I have been on one too many vacations where I spent all my money in the first few days and had to live like Lindsay Lohan the rest of the time. You should know how much money you have to spend on your vacation, and loosely budget a certain amount every day. If you want to throw a few extra sawbucks down a male strippers g-string one night, that is fine. Either skip a few bloody marys the next morning, or go home with him (with a condom) and steal your money back from him whilst he slumbers.
Envy– Unforgettable experiences are part and parcel to a great vacation. However there is nothing worse than watching all your friends have a great time while you sit on the sidelines. This could involve anything from watching while your friend sloppily makes out with Ryan Lochte on a dancefloor, or staying in the hotel while your boyfriend goes zip-lining over a Puerto Rican jungle. Vacations are great excuses to get rid of all your inhibitions, so leave them at home. And remember- when you are on vacation you don’t know anyone. So you can be anyone.
Gluttony– Good friends, good surroundings, and good food are all integral parts to an awesome vacation. You don’t really want to overdose on any of them though, or you might find yourself over or underwhelmed. Eating too much on any vacation is a bad idea, because it will make you lethargic, overweight, or even worse, puffy in your swimsuit. Try and fit some form of exercise into your vacation, even if its something as small as taking a short dip in the pool, or taking a longer dip in the pool boy.
Pride– The worst kind of vacations are the ones where every single moment is planned, and the anal-retentive SOB that did the research isn’t willing to let go of their pride and go with the flow. Before any trip you should make a list of the things you want to do, and then loosely schedule them throughout the vacation, so you get a nice blend of culture and drunken debauchery.
Every vacation you take is an opportunity to create life-long memories, so don’t let any of these deadly sins ruin your time. Bond with your friends, soak in some culture, experience your surroundings, get drunk, and get laid.
Bon Voyage.
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