The Truth About Target’s Designer Collaborations

Target’s designer collaborations aren’t as great as you think, reasons outlined.

Remember a few years ago when Target announced they’d be collaborating with mega major fashion stars for more affordable fashion? The world of people in cute skirts was excited, and everyone more or less stood in Epcot Center-level lines to grab the first piece of polyester at their local strip mall. But honestly, what in the actual hell does anyone need those collabs for? Have you ever stopped to consider:

1. Every single one of those collaborations is so ridden with cheap materials that you’d be lucky if you came out looking as expensive as the $50 you paid for that nylon zipper top. Also, what? Says who do YOU need a nylon zipper top? Are you in a rap video?

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2. But really, if you’re paying 59.99 for G-d damn polyester, shouldn’t it at least be relatively unique? Like, do you really want to be the girl strutting around in Altuzarra for Target and then have like every schmuck on the street stop you to say “we’re twinsies!! I have the same cheap ass shirt!” …no. You don’t.

3. You’re pretending you’re a fancy bitch. You know what’s fancy? Cashmere (with or without a designer label). Silk. Linen. Merino wool. Also, you’re not a fancy bitch if you’re driving home in a 2004 Toyota with $400 in clothes from Tar-jay. Plain facts. You SHOULD be using that exact budget to buy a few on-sale cashmeres that’ll last you for a good 5 years each.

4. They’re all sized wrong. So, you’re a medium in a lot of things, but Target wants you to feel good about yourself, so they get a little extra roomy with the size small. So you buy a small because you’re swimming in the medium, but the small bunches up on you and the cheap seams start to pull. You could get a medium, but then it would need tailoring that is likely more expensive than the polyester garments themselves. What do you do? Look like a cheap wench in ill-fitting polyester clothes, that’s what. THAT’S WHAT AMERICA IS UP TO.

5. The Hamptons and Cannes. These designers don’t really dream of having collections in Target. They dream of selling out at Barney’s and Neiman Marcus so they can charter yachts and open flagships on Madison. Literally, the ONLY reason to partner with Target is for a big fat paycheck, and if you’re already shilling yourself… heck, who cares what the garments actually look like on bodies, right? Right. Target collabs = a house in the Hamptons for these designers.

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6. The colors are never flattering. Like, why are all the collections weird shades of beige, mustard, or deep aubergine? Are unflattering colors a pre-req for having a line at Target?

7. They’re not even as popular as people think. Look, other fashion blogs are reporting on the lackluster success of Altuzarra’s Target collection.

8. They’re often old styles or cast-offs. What happens when a designer designs something truly fabulous? They send it down a runway for buyers at Bergdorfs to buy. They whisper to themselves “I hope totally hot women buy at least 1,926 of these dresses at $960 each retail. If the universe really loves me, they’ll pay in Euros.” They never think “hey, here’s my absolute best work and I should give it to Target so it can be represented by Middle America.”