Ugly Inside: The Complete Guide to David Duke’s Plastic Surgery

Written by Bryce

Remember when your mom told you that people who are ugly inside usually end up that way on the outside, too? David Duke’s plastic surgery proves that flawlessly.

You’ve likely seen his face plastered all over the news lately for his most recent claiming that all Trump voters are his voters (I’ll leave that alone and focus on beauty here for a minute), that white supremacy is still very much alive and kicking, and that simply put, the Holocaust never happened. << we’d all roll our eyes more if the Botox permitted >>  But have you really looked at the images of this guy? I mean, forget his insane words that basically translate to “you worthless, I best caveman,” and just focus on his face for a minute. David Duke’s plastic surgery bill must be INSANE, and without access to Catholic, Jewish, Asian, or big city plastic surgeons… well, it’s no wonder he looks the way he does.

David Duke, [ via ]

David Duke, [ via ]

“Either David Duke made a deal with the devil, which is entirely possible, or he has quite a bit of plastic surgery,” says Marc Mani, Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. “His skin looks tight and unnaturally pulled, which is a sign he’s had a facelift.”

While I’m not an actual doctor or scientist, this makes wonder if there’s a direct correlation between the pull of his facial skin and the pull Satan has on his soul. I tried to consult rabbis and priests to weigh in on this, but it seems there’s still no spiritual technology available to the media to address the actual weight of a soul. No worries, plastic surgeons have enough scientific things to say on the matter.

“His eyes are rounded and his lower eyelid area is hollowed, which strongly suggests a rather old-fashioned blepharoplasty.” Blepharoplasty, if you’re wondering, is the surgery people opt for when they have droopy, saggy eyelids and under eye areas. There are a variety of techniques, and it seems David’s doctor gave him the vintage, pre-civil rights era knifing. “In the past he has admitted to having some work done on his nose, and it does have the sculpted appearance of rhinoplasty. Also, there’s been discussion in the past of a chemical peel, which can whiten the skin — an effect that I’m sure Duke wouldn’t complain about.”

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Let’s just get everything straight here (not homosexual, because David Duke’s plastic surgeries were to assert his manly heterosexual whiteness, so don’t get it twisted), David Duke is actually following the exact facial prescription that Michael Jackson laid out in the 80s. Okay, got it.

david duke plastic surgerymichael jackson

Dr. Thomas Sterry, a Manhattan plastic surgeon, thinks the list of funtime plastic surgeries the KKK wizard has undergone doesn’t stop there. “I’m fairly confident he had a brow lift and some kind of skin tightening treatments.”

Because my heart isn’t a bottomless pit of hate like Duke’s, I started to wonder if there’s even a conceivable solution for this ugly inside, ugly outside situation. Most spiritual organizations have the concept of repentance–  you know, when you feel super sorry for being a horrible person and you decide to change yourself for the better. In the event David Duke wakes up and decides to like all humans of all colors, faiths, and backgrounds, will there also be a way for his face to repent and go back to some version of decent? I asked Dr. Sterry if he would even be able to repair the damage at this point.

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“How I would fix it? Why would I fix it is a better question. I would never try to help this guy. I suppose one could try to relax the brow lift by shifting the scalp forward,” he says. Again, I’m not a doctor, but something about scalping David Duke? “Time and stopping the skin whitening treatments might help his pigment come back.”

Insert your own ending, I’m having too many thoughts about how to keep the KKK away from my apartment to keep writing.

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About the author


Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber


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