Unpretentiousil Medicine To Heal Hipsters

Written by Bryce

If there is even a slight chance you are a hipster, you’re going to need to read this in hopes of curing yourself.

If you are unsure about your HIP(ster) status, you should call your doctor for a blood test if you check “yes” for any of these symptoms:

Living in Brooklyn (anywhere, but more specifically Williamsburg, Bushwick, Greenpoint, and Bed Stuy)

You consider the island of Manhattan and all of the inhabitants therein simply “too mainstream.”

You own a fedora

The term “vintage” applies easily to at least 80 percent of what you own. If you buy something clearly made in a sweatshop you lie to people about it and tell them it’s “from Goodwill in this small town in the midwest I visited last year on the way out of (insert name) Music Festival.”

You buy everything local except your weed- that’s imported from Mexico, Canada, Honduras, Hawaii or another place you honestly don’t give a fuck about but will pretend to if it enters conversation.

You own a copy of Moby Dick (it doesn’t matter if you actually read it or just pretend to)

You find your fascination with hula hoops ever-growing

You don’t have morning breath… you just sort of drool out a syruppy form of Pabst

The bands you listen to are so new they’re not even real. Usually when people ask you what you listen to you just make up names.

You have a mustache, or if you’re a woman, you wear one on your jewelry (fuck it, you probably just don’t even bleach/wax your real one).

Loving Apple products, but going against Apple by only accessorizing Apple products with non-Apple products.

If you suspect you may be a HIP positive, contact your doctor about Unpretentiousil.

About the author


Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber

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