WTF Spotting: A Gay Guy’s Commentary on Menstruation

Written by Gary

I am a guy, so even though I am gay, some things about the female anatomy and bodily processes boggle my mind. For instance, why do they call a period, a period? My only guess is that a period signifies the end of PMS, which as far as I know, stands for Praying Mantis Syndrome and involves a woman falling prey to her uncontrollable emotions and biting the heads of all the men within a 5 mile radius of her vagina.

What is the sore breast thing about? My boobs get sore too, but only after a long run when I am wearing an abrasive sports bra. I can only assume that breasts get sore because they annoyed that all the bloating is going to the abdomen area rather than the breasticles, and are the areolas are trying to escape.

Even I think bloating is unfair. If you are going to gain weight, wouldn’t you rather it go somewhere productive and sexy? Being cursed with a one-week muffin top seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me. Aren’t babies punishment enough?

Do the sleep interruptions actually happen? I am not saying they don’t, but I am saying that if I had a giney, I would use that one week per month to sleep like a narcoleptic in a sensory-deprivation tank. If anyone called me on it, I would just pound my crotch with my fist and start crying.

Is there anything we can do about it? Women menstruate because they are shedding their uterine lining. They shed their uterine lining so that one day they can get pregnant. So basically, for one week every month they bitch and bleed. Then, one day either through a planned process or a drunken mistake, one of their eggs is fertilized and they get pregnant. Then, they get stretch marks, nausea, and a screaming brat that doesn’t cease to be bratty for at least the first 20 years of it’s life. If you ask me, that is kind of a crappy shituation.

If I was a girl, I would have my uterus hermetically sealed after puberty so I could have all the fun I wanted. Then, when I was finally ready to have a baby I would crack it open like a walnut and get my reproduction on.

Is anyone with me?


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About the author


Gary is the gay guy that every girl wants to be, and every guy wants to be with (Mostly because he can't get pregnant). He is based in Manhattan, but loves traveling to exotic new people, and sleeping with interesting new places. He is an adventurous writer, digital artist, and game designer that will try almost anything if it makes a good story.
--Instagram: @garyadrianrandall --Twitter: @gadrianrandall

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