It’s O-Time, kiddo’s. And you know what that means: a gaggle of beautiful people crams into a theatre and delivers four solid hours of ping-pong humble-brags. But what if the Oscar’s suddenly became just as daring, controversial, and boundary-pushing as the films it honors? Here are my ten unlikely predictions for tonight’s ceremony. If even one of them comes true, I promise to never again roll my eyes when someone “has to thank the Academy”. Or, I’ll at least promise to only roll them half of the way.
1. The two most adorable creatures on Planet Earth will be paired together to present the first award and the audience will fall in love, refusing to let them depart the stage. Thus, the Oscars becomes a four-hour show called Ryan Gosling and Uggie Do The Darndest Things.
The only classic film star left [via]
2. Miss Piggy looks so dazzling in her Zac Posen dress that Brad Pitt can’t resist taking her in a passionate embrace. Instead of fighting, Angelina Jolie and Miss Piggy exchange makeup tricks and tell eachother jokes. The photos of this encounter get turned into a gif that goes viral within minutes. I will make this gif, and it will make millions.
3. Leonardo DiCaprio shows up looking exactly like he did during the period between Romeo and Juliet and Titanic. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief, as though they’d just woken up from a bad dream, and he is awarded a golden statuette for being “King of the World”, even though his J. Edgar role was left out of the nominees.
4. The Academy acknowledges their gross underrepresentation of women filmmakers. And writers. And producers. And stories that depict women as something other than wives or house servants. They then issue rain checks for next year’s awards to all the female directors who were snubbed…
5. …and then publicly issue a recall on Chris Brown’s Grammy awards. Don’t ask me how this will happen.
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6. Melissa McCarthy wins the award for Best Supporting Actress and invites a tipsy Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph onstage to improv a 10-minute bit about Speeching While Intoxicated. No one thinks about Chris Brown during this time, and the world becomes a much better place.
7. Adele shows up to sing a song about falling in unrequited love with a movie star (i.e. Ry Gos), and nobody minds one bit.
8. Meryl Streep bows out of the running for Best Actress (does a 16-time nominee really need another?), opening a spot for Elizabeth Olsen who gave a stealing performance in Martha Marcy May Marlene.
9. Either George Clooney or Brad Pitt will win for Best Actor, but they’ll both wind up on stage sharing a passionate kiss – similar to the one between Adrien Brody and Halle Berry, but much, much less creepy – because Hollywood’s weird way of saying, “Hey everyone, get over your problems with gay people” is by having two straight men kiss.
10. Ryan Seacrest finally gets sick of buttering up celebs on the red carpet and tells Gwenyth Paltrow her blog is a piece of insufferable crap. She agrees.
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