Stop F*cking Jon Gosselin

Maybe I’m bitter because this not-quite-divorced father of eight has diversified his booty portfolio with ease while I’m sitting on the sidelines, unable to secure as much as a dutch dinner date. MAYBE. It’s also entirely possible that the idea that Jon Gosselin has been breakin’ hearts like an Ed Hardy sponsorship depends on it is making my head spin.

I have watched exactly 1.5 episodes of Jon and Kate Plus Eight. Most of what I know about the show is word of mouth, or what very little I’ve been able to deduce during ten minutes of mind-splitting banality and a quick perusal of tabloid magazine covers. I’m not an expert on the subject in any rite. I also don’t think you need to be sitting on a rooftop with an uninterupted view of the skyline to know that, tonight, the sun will be setting at some point.

So Kate. From what little I’ve seen/heard, Kate is a regular pain in the ass. She’s bossy, she’s aggressive, and she has what Beck has called a “devil’s haircut” (although, Devil’s Haircut (the song) reminds me of some brunette indie chick with an asymmetrical, texturized pixie cut; while Kate’s hair reminds me of what would happen if a porcupine swallowed another porcupine (who was seasoned with bleach and styling mousse), and then the first porcupine vommitted. And Kate picked it up, flipped it inside out, and placed it atop her head.

Now, this haircut does not make Kate a bad person, but it does make her judgement questionable. Among other popular ruminitions that Kate should be loathed are how short-tempered she seems to be, how she deserved to be left by Jon because she was a relentless nag, and how, at the end of the day, she is not vested in her kids’ wellbeing or long term mental stability– choosing to continue parading them around on a television show that ultimately led to the dissolution of her marriage– for monetary gain. And I’m not here to defend Kate– popular opinion is that more or less, she sucks. Although I do have to point out that unless she moves the eight children to a commune, money does play a role.  I would rather the show go on than for this woman to have to raise eight children on welfare.

That being said, what is this love affair that America has started with Jon Gosselin? Particulary, America’s women. Anyone can attest that Jon’s minor fame is a factor in the sudden spike of love affairs he’s faciliated since his split with Kate. But I ask you– is fame so important that you surrender your job with Star magazine to be with this man? That your Facebook profile is fodder for the 10 o’clock news to examine and re-examine? What kind of poisonous, daddy mac shit is Jon spewing to have no less than three supposed lovers drooling at the mouth?

If Jon were not Jon Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus Eight, he would be a 31-year-old divorcee with eight kids. And I don’t know one woman who would say, “you are more important than some silly job. Let’s runaway together.” I honestly don’t. I have never met Jon, but if the spineless way he sat back and let Kate run the ship speaks to his confidence, I don’t see him charming the pants off of anyone without the influence of an entourage and at least three bottles of Grey Goose.

Jon is trying to channel the Jon who has been trapped inside of Hawaiian shirts and those tacky silver framed sunglasses with indigo lenses that shouldn’t ever be worn by anyone who isn’t a first basemen or on a ski slope. It seems that he is going through a tri-life crisis: too much baggage for a quarter-life crisis, but not enough desperation for a mid-life crisis. He’s poppin’ bottles, dating women that his kids will never know as “the other mom”, and wearing an excessive amount of Ed Hardy, which really, says it all. Ed Hardy says, “It’s 2006 and I’m Vice President of Alpha Pi Nu,” not “It’s 2009, I’m 31 and I have eight kids.” If you think that’s a shallow remark, it’s not. Just think of how you would feel if you were one of these kids at age 16, flipping through photo albums showcasing dear ol’ dad drinking champagne in a skull and bones t-shirt with a girlfriend who has probably never made it through the night without spilling something. That is not to say that I have made it through a night without spilling something, but I’m also not in the running to be America’s Most Inappropriate Step-Mom, either.

It sounds like I’m bashing Jon, but what I’m really trying to do is point out that Kate should not bare the brunt of criticism. They seem to both be equally morally bankrupt when it comes to how their actions will one day affect their children (and therapy x eight seems like it’d be expensive. Unless they get some sort of group rate or TLC ponies up.) Please stop regarding Jon Gosselin as the beta male of your delusional dreams and find a man who is not trying to build a time machine: destination 1999. There are plenty of reality show cast-offs to choose from. I nominate Bret Michaels, or Mr. Boston even. What ever happened to Dave from Real World: Seattle? He was hot.