Since Mother Nature decided to bitch-slap us yet again with a cold front, I thought it might be a good time to start fantasizing about the summer months. Typically, my bathing suits barely cover my crotch, but I know a lot of women out there read what I write. I present to you: The Sharkbait bathing suit, also known as “the only bathing suit you will need this year”.
The reasons this bathing suit is perfect for you, are as follows:
It flatters any figure. The shark-bite cut out creates curves for women with boyish figures, and draws attention away from any flabby parts that hang off your frame. The fact that a shark wanted to take a bite of you also communicates the fact that you are delicious, to men and lesbians everywhere.
It is child-friendly, and attracts decent men. Since this suit is basically a Halloween costume gone awry, children everywhere will either love it, or be scared of it. It is a great way to ward off your bitchy friend Susan’s annoying little rug-rats, but also attract decent men that actually like children. All those drunk college guys scanning the beach for some action can go take a bite out of somebody else’s labia.
Sharks will think they already bit you. This bathing suit sends the signal to sharks everywhere that you have already been claimed, so you can swim at your leisure, unmolested.
Gray looks good on everyone. Its a fact of science that neutral colors look good on pretty much everyone. Even Susan Boyle could rock this look.
It’s ironic, which makes it chic. Wearing this suit to a public swimming pool in Brooklyn is a surefire way to increase your Instagram followers two-fold. God-damn, you’re stylish.
If you decide to be the most awesome woman in the world and rock the Sharkbait bathing suit, my only advice is to wear copious amounts of sunscreen.
“Tan tattoos” aren’t a good look.
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