Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, a government agency, would like to make sure that you bring your A-Game when Jesus, Zombies, The Aztecs, Frankenstein, Edie Sedgwick, and former President Taft resurrect to take the world out (this Saturday, guys! The Rapture! Have you forgot?!).
The CDC, again, a government agency, used your tax dollars to pay someone to come up with a plan of attack in the very likely case that we find ourselves with an uncontainable zombie situation. Because if we’ve learned anything as the greatest nation of all the nations, it’s that history repeats itself. Every couple of centuries, a hoard of ravenous zombies walk the night (really, realllyyy slow-like, obnoxious!) and wipe out the human race. They come into our bodegas and knock cans of Campbell’s Tomato Soup off of the shelves, they break the exhaust pipes off of our cars, they create unnecessary foot traffic. It’s happened before, and it’ll happen again. Let’s take these fuckers out. Get before you get got.
Just check out any history text to confirm that zombies are – wait, what? There are no documented zombie uprisings in America’s past? What about World War Z? …not a real thing? Okay. What about Jesus? He’s like, King Zombie. It’s all right there, in the Bible!
Oh. Right.
