Bryce Gruber’s Thoughts of the Day (boob revelations edition)

Certain things in life are more important than the usual crap that everyone strives for. -James Taylor

1. Boob Habits. A few days ago I spent the night at boyfriend’s house. When I woke I took my usual hot shower, got out, and rummaged through his drawer of hotel toiletries in search of a feminine-smelling body moisturizer. I found two from some Starwood hotel in a far off land that smelled a little citrusy, so I dropped my towel and proceeded to rub the cream all over. I started with my legs, worked my way up to my stomach, arms, shoulders, and ended around my collar bone. I was feeling good, and then I realized I had just skipped over my boobs entirely. And I had been for the past 2.5 years. When Ben was born I breastfed him, so I thought it was my maternal duty to stop lotioning my boob region in an effort to keep my beauty products out of his digestive tract. I guess because the breastfeeding went on for about a year it became a total habit that stuck around… one that I didn’t even notice till this week.

2. Speaking of Post-Baby Bodies… When I realized I still needed to lotion my boobs, I turned to the vanity for more cream, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and had a total flashback to my body just after Ben was born. I remembered thinking “all this skin better go back to where it used to be,” and “this C-section scar sucks, but it’s a fucking badge of honor.” Well, everything’s back in place, and my scar has faded to the point that you can hardly tell a baby even came out of there… and that’s sort of bittersweet for me.

3. Speaking of My Body in General… I’m supposed to walk in a runway show tonight to celebrate the 5th anniversary of Kaboodle.com along with Bloomingdale’s. The runway look that was chosen for me is a short, tailored green dress with a few floaty ruffles down the side. It’s strapless. It’s summery. I’m totally screwed.

Why?!

Because I fell down the aisle last week at my friend’s Big Fat Indian Wedding. This is not a joke or an exaggeration. The aisle was pretty long- the ceremony had about 500 perfectly-garbed, sari-wearing gorgeous Indian women and their husbands. At the end of the ceremony as the bride and groom were coming back up the aisle to collect blessings and cash envelopes from their guests, my kid had just started to run wild. In an effort to keep him calm I ran towards him in my 6″ stilettos and short coral-colored dress to scoop him up and hold him in my arms. I scooped him successfully, but my heel dug into some lush aisle fabric and resulted in my taking a pretty nasty, rolling spill down the aisle in a dramatic enough fashion that everyone saw my pink underpants and gasped. Spectacular, it was. The good news is that I never let go of Ben during the fall… my maternal protection instincts took over and I managed to keep him totally safe. The bad news is that my legs took a serious beating and I now look like a total trailer park ‘ho. My shin bones are covered in some gross version of a yellowy-purple bruise hell.

I’m praying like whoa that the makeup artist tonight has some serious level of Dermablend to fix me with.

And yes, this is a picture of my legs with makeup already on them :/