So maybe Lindsay Lohan fucked up yet again and violated her parole by showing up late to the morgue, where she’s completing her court-mandated community service. (Get it? Because she’s killing herself with Crystal Meth, according to her dad? How clever. That judge sure has a sense of humor.) I mean… whatever. People mess up sometimes, and by sometimes I mean however many times it takes to warrant five mugshots in four years.
But Lindsay’s not all bad. She’s shared some quite profound insights with us (her fans, obvs) over the years. Before you go judging her, bear witness to her inner genius.
“I’m an angel compared to some of my friends.” What friends might those be? Courtney Love? Gary Busey?
“I’m not skinny for the wrong reasons. It’s not because I’m bulimic or anorexic or doing drugs. Compared to a lot of actresses my age, I’m actually overweight.” So modest.
“I write a lot of lyrics and I’m involved in the producing process, because it’s like, if I’m singing it, I want it to be something that I can relate to.” So like, is her next album going to be about wearing Dayglo and how uncomfortable handcuffs are?
“I’m not that girl from Freaky Friday any more! I’m a real adult. In fact, I hate children! I hate them all!” You mean there’s no plan to procreate? Who will America’s next generation of children look up to?
“Life is full of risks anyway, why not take them?” Yeah? Why not? Why not take risks?
“My mom is going to kill me for talking about sleeping with people. But I don’t want to put myself in the position where I’m in a monogamous relationship right now. I’m not dating just one person. ‘Sex and the City’ changed everything for me because those girls would sleep with so many people.” Oh dear.
What a Oxygen Thief!!! No Ifs Ands or Buts!! Maybe she should start caring about others more than herself!!