Frankly, my dear….

It has finally happened and I, for one, could not be happier. The sacred lawful union of marriage between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (henceforth referred to as “Speidi”) took place this past weekend in Cabo where they eloped sans friends and family because they don’t have any. Interestingly enough, the word “elope” is derived from the Roman word “elopetus” which means no one wants to attend our wedding because we’ve alienated everyone in our lives and have chronicled it for the purpose of putting suicidal Americans over the edge.

Half the anxiety surrounding the Speidi relationship involved cringing at the fact that their public displays of gross admiration for each other kept growing as quickly as David Duchovny in a chat room. Now that this relationship has hit its apex, if you will, I expect a few months of elevated celebratory PDA and staged paparazzi shoots, but then! There’s nowhere to go but down baby, down. 

Half of me wants to feel badly for Heidi: you have the name of a Swiss yodeler, you are forced, on a daily basis, to touch Spencer’s oddly flesh colored beard (thanks E!), and, thanks to the magical workings of this flesh colored beard, you have not only lost all of your friends but you must also now endure disappointment radiating from each and every member of your family. But, then the other half slaps me silly and I remember you’re just a blonde, pouty, fake-boob wannabe with a clothing line suitable for strippers named Candy Cayne:

My favorite Spencer moment of all time has to be when he (classily) spray-painted the word “Hollywood” on his living-room wall. This, I believe, is a metaphor for the impression Spencer leaves on all those who surround him. He exudes a concentrated unattractiveness that when released immediately swathes everything around him in vibrant hues of ugly. His mere existence has caused him to lose ALL his own friends (when was the last time we saw him interact with anyone but Heidi?), has caused Heidi to lose ALL her own friends, has alienated Heidi’s sister, has made Heidi’s own mother cry, and was the sole cause of Heidi’s demotion at Bolthouse.

Is this a case of two people truly meant for each other? Or is Heidi just stuck in a huge Spencer web woven from poisonous flesh-beard silk? I’m left wondering if we’ll ever really know the answer. Then I remember, I don’t care.