Nipple facts

As Bryce will tell you, my nipples are one of my best features, because they give people something to look at while they talk to me. My nipples also mystify me, because I don’t really understand why I have any. I don’t particular like it when guys suckle on them, I don’t have any immediate plans to breastfeed any children, and frankly they are a bitch to shave.

Simply stated, my nipples are a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, pasted onto a pair of decent he-tits. So I decided to go on an internet quest to find some little-known facts about nipples. I also decided it would only be fair to include a photo of my hershey-kiss nipsies in this post. Yes, I am aware that they look like purple snow caps, and yes, I am flexing. I hope you learn something from this, ladies, I am here to educate.

Hard nipples don’t mean a girl is horny. Often a girl with perky nips is just cold, or it’s laundry day and she is wearing that stretched-out, stained push up bra from Vickies that feels like sandpaper on her tits. Nipples get hard for many reasons, and being down to pound is just one of them.

Women have nipple hair too. Apparently, our entire bodies are covered in fine, invisible hairs, some of which are darker than others. Just think of them as eyelashes for your nipples. And then go get them waxed!

Inverted nipples are common. 10-20 percent of women have inverted nipples, which aren’t really a bad thing, except it means you can’t breastfeed and your son or lesbian daughter will never have a successful relationship. Just kidding! Inverted nipples just mean your milk ducts are shorter. If you are pregsy and want to breastfeed, you can try rolling your rosebuds between your fingers, or buy nipple discs from a maternity shop to encourage your udders to come out and play.

Human females are the only mammals with 24/7 tits. Other mammals only develop more breast and nipple tissue when they are actually lactating. If you were ever jealous of your pregnant dog while you were a teenager in a push-up bra, you know what I am talking about.

Triple nipples. About 1 in 18 males, and 1 in 50 females has an extra nipple. Luckily these extra nipples aren’t normally fully formed, so they just look like a mole (or beauty mark if you are all bourgeoisie about it). The bad news is they normally run down the “milk line” of the abdomen. Some people even have extra nipples on their feet! Aren’t you glad your mother didn’t breast feed you with one of her hooves?

Just like snowflakes, no two nipples are the same. They generally all have an areola, and some of them (like mine) have little bumps called Montgomery glands, but they are all different. So if one of yours is shaped like a hot air balloon and the other one is shaped like a four-leaf clover don’t be alarmed.