Lindsay’s Lesbian Latkes

Recently, pop-culture media has been inundated with rumors that LaLohan herself will be converting to Judaism for Samantha Ronson. As a card-carrying member of the Tribe myself, I’d like to say that this is the best thing to happen to Jews since Israeli Independence. I feel a need to get as involved as possible in this process and really have no problem stepping up to the plate in spearheading a sort of Jewishification of Lindsay Committee (JLC) to lead her through the emotional, magical process of becoming a Jew. To explain my reasoning, I have ventured on a mystical examination of three Jewish ceremonies and rites of passage in which Fire Crotch must partake.

 

1. The Bat Mitzvah.

Typically referred to as “the Jewish rite of passage,” the Bat Mitzvah ceremony signifies and celebrates an adolescent’s transition into adulthood. Usually, the bar or bat mitzvah reads from the Torah and then is honored through a party thrown by family. I have come up with several possible bat mitzvah party themes including “Fire Crotch Carnival,” “Linday’s Box Eating Bat Mitz,” and “Lindsay’s Scissoring Soiree,” all of which will feature delicious miniature passed hors d’oeuvres and a wacky photo booth. Samantha Ronson would spin and Lindsay would spend the entire time sitting beside her in the DJ booth crying. I would switch out the candle lighting ceremony for a cigarette lighting ceremony, where her and Samantha Ronson would stand at the front of the room and simultaneously light their stoges. Lastly, instead of dancing the Horah, I’d switch it to the “Ho”-Rah, where instead of guests dancing circularly around Lindsay whilst she was lifted on a chair, the guests would link hands and dance around Lindsay while she performed a sexual striptease with the use of a large rented pole, with her stoge still dangling from her luscious lips.

 

2. Shabbat Dinner

Shabbat is the weekly day of rest symbolizing the seventh day of Genesis. It is welcomed on Friday night with a large dinner with friends and family. Because Lindsay’s rest involves entry into Promises Rehabilitation Center, Shabbat dinner would include the vices that Lindsay, like more orthodox Jews, must relinquish during the day on Saturday. We’d substitute the gelatinous Gefilte fish for some roughly broken-up lines of cocaine, Maneschewitz for rounds of chilled tequila shots, and delicious oil-saturated latkes for vag (there isn’t any vag-eating allowed in rehab, I’ve been told).

 

3. Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur is considered the holiest day of the Jewish year. After confessing guilt and apologizing to those you have wronged over the past year, you pray to get inscribed in “the book of life.” These confessions range from confessing jealously, white lies, or cheating. I would help Lindsay prepare her confessions and list them under three umbrella categories: Drug Related, Motor-Vehicle Related, and Self-Exploitation Related, although these categories are by no means mutually exclusive. Instead of, “I stole a stapler from my office mate,” Lindsay’s would read something like, “I ran over three hobos while driving because my cocaine spilled into Samantha Ronson’s vagina.” And, “Sometimes I don’t clean the double-sided dildo after use.” Or, “My boobs intercontinentally suffocated a small African tribe.”

 

Although Lindsay might not be able to wear her own line of knee pad leggings to temple, I feel as if she wouldn’t have a problem fitting right in. Us Jews are a very warm people, and we welcome androgynous-girlfriend loving, vag eating, coke snorting, lap-dance-giving fire-crotches with open arms. Mazel Tov Lindsay, I’m stoked. Call me.

 

Next week: Full coverage of Samantha Ronson’s bris.