1. Sinatra’s whole “horse and carriage” idea is bunk.
2. Marriage is an effing BUSINESS. Sometimes, it can be a $10 million dollar flash-in-the-pan startup that earns more income in 72 days than most small biz makes in a year.
3. No amount of money, or time with a wedding planner, or gold-crusted gladiolas, or diamond carats will ensure you a “happily ever after” story. Loosen up your girdles, brides-to-be. Perfect weddings don’t equal perfect marriages. Didn’t Carrie Bradshaw teach you anything?
4. BUT, if a long, perfect marriage isn’t your goal, why not call your wedding what it is: a childhood fantasy you’ve refused to adapt to reality! People will be less likely to judge you for flying down the aisle on a magic carpet if you just admit this from the bat.
5. Big girls and their diamonds, from Liz Taylor.
6. A divorce won’t ruin your career, your life, or the institution of marriage (that’s already been taken care of). Hell, it may even inspire a limerick by Salman Rushdie!
7. Virtually any explanation for ending a marriage will suffice, and in the end, no one will care. They’ll just want to know if you’re keeping the ring, and what happened to the honeymoon sex tapes.
8. You’ll never run out of reasons to keep your ring. And if you do, your mom can come up with a few more, even if they are racially derogatory.
9. There are many ways to come out on top after a very public divorce. Being an attention whore isn’t one of them.
10. Despite a protective force field of political conservatism, straight marriage still manages to be one of the most nauseatingly hypocritical and misguided institutions in this country. Glad we could confirm that once again!