Word on the proverbial streets is that while everyone in America was mourning the beat down of our very own Barbadian pop-princess and the lost days of guiltlessly making babies to Poppin’, the duo was actually gallivanting on celebrity playground Star Island, getting married and stuff like that.
Like everything that has gone wrong in pop culture during the past decade, it’s Diddy’s fault. The two reconciled at his house on Star Island, where Chris told Rihanna, “I can’t live without you,” and Rihanna said, “I can’t live without you, either”. All the while Diddy hid behind the shrubbery recording the entire conversation. He later took the recording and put a “hot beat” behind it, then he dropped a “hot verse” at the end. Diddy will release the exclusive jam in August 2009, when he re-emerges simply as “Did”.
The best is yet to come!
After the tearful reunion, Rihanna, Diddy, and C. Brown had a cannonball contest in Diddy’s pool (Diddy won, natch), which is apparently very nice and the perfect place to tell your girlfriend you’re sorry for hitting her and subsequently putting her entire public life on trial for the media and fans to obsessively dissect. Rihanna accepted the apology, and they hastily hatched their spontaneous wedding plans, much to the dismay of pretty much everyone. Then Michael Jackson rode in on an elephant, announced he was going on tour again, and married the two of them on a waterlily that Diddy keeps in his backyard, the ocean, for special occasions only.
This is according to Star Magazine, who has singlehandedly turned this story into fodder for every gossip, hip-hop, and celebrity website known to man. Some of the details were embellished by me. At this point, I don’t care what Rihanna or Chris do anymore, as long as it’s OK for me to chew JuicyFruit and listen to Wall to Wall on repeat (to make up for lost time, of course).
Hopefully the newly-nuptialed Brown’s wedding vows are enough to hold him over until his arraignment in April.
GO RIHANNA!!
Chris Brown has a very girly face.