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Men in Yoga: The Banana Should NEVER Be in a Hammock

Written by Marisa

A dude with a speedo. At the yoga studio. Hot yoga. Not a pool, but close…because it’s like a sauna in there—reaching temps up to 110 degrees. That being said, it does not give a license to wear a teeny piece of fabric over your banana and berries, aw naw!

I’m gonna come out and say it. I don’t like to sit next to men in yoga class. There, I said it. But you know what guys? I’m not sexist, I’m just not interested in your perfume de schweaty balls that emanates from your middle region while I’m in a lunge twist facing you. I was about to say “I’m sorry…that I—“ but I’m not going to apologize for disagreeing with your lack of cleanliness in yoga and specifically hot yoga. Yes, we all sweat and some sweat more than others, but deordorize that shizz or wash that under carriage before getting into a downward dog in a 100+ degree room.

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Thanks to my most recent hot yoga experience, my dislike for sitting next to men in yoga has completely gone to a new level. I wanted to try a new studio this week. I walked 20 minutes in the bitter Chi temps to get my hot yoga fix on. I get there early, grab a good spot—not too far from the mirror or the instructor and not close to anyone. As the class files in I notice there’s one spot next to me open. And WOOT! THERE IT IS! The freaky looking dude already drenched in sweat from taking the previous hot yoga class comes strolling in with nothing but a speedo on and finds a space next to me.  That should’ve been my cue—I should‘ve just walked out then, but in the spirit of yoga and not being judgmental this year, I stood my ground and tried to settle into a calming state of mind. I really gave it a good try to not judge him, but that damn speedo was dripping like an ice cream cone on a hot summer day and I couldn’t look away. I also couldn’t escape it, considering the mirrored studio and the speedo’s proximity to me—unless I wanted to do the class with my eyes closed. If it’s not enough that I have a guy that’s been probably doing hot yoga all day next to me in a dripping wet speedo wreaking of hot brats at ball game, but he has to be the yoga freak that does hand stands at random times and spread-your-legs-apart moves in my face. My balance was so off the entire class—I must have been turned on?

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Of course there’s proper yoga etiquette that most who practice know about, but there has to be a whole other set of rules for hot yoga and for dudes especially. Here’s what should be common sense, but apparently I might need to give you guys a little heads up.

  1. If you sweat in your middle region anytime before class, wash up or don’t show up at class.
  2. Bring a towel and preferably one that covers your entire mat so you don’t create a man-made lake on and around your mat.
  3. Wear pants or shorts that don’t expose your junk. (This could help with perfume de schweaty balls knocking the entire class out)

There are only 2 acceptable uses for a speedo: swimming and the pride parade.

About the author

Marisa

Marisa knows random like Britney knows crazy. She's *the* go-to person for random Chicago info with the trophy to prove it. If you’re itchin’ for BYOB Chinese with transvestite servers followed by live-band karaoke, BBM Marisa. By day, she's slangin' ads--writing about Mac 'n Cheese, Jell-O, A.1. and all things momtastic. By night, she practices her crow pose, rocks dunks, cooks like Giada, spins indie rock and gangsta rap and explores the city. She's been known to enjoy carbs or things covered in truffle oil and black cherry vodka covered in flashing lights and boombastic beats.

23 Comments

  • OMG, now I wonder if all the guys in my class hang in the back for a different reason. I first thought it was so they could check out all the women in down dog. LOL And I’d also like to mention that I thought I had it bad because I’m allergic to one woman’s fabric softener (can’t breath when she attends). I’m not sure which is worse?

  • i dont know why this went under my name haha. Im kind of not that I that i had to miss out on this experience. Marisa – keep downward dogging near balls, so we can hear about it, please? ok thanks.

  • OMG !!

    I was next to this guy in hot yoga class that was passing gas the entire time and also his”balls” were hanging out on the side of his shorts.

  • Speedo + Legs Apart Hand Stand?! Shocked that move didn’t take the whole class down like dominoes… Way to keep composure under pressure Marisa.

  • Funny Marisa! I also can say that men should wear “nike fit- like material” to hot/ yoga class. I was once near a guy (more like old man) in yoga and he wears these fruit- of- the- loom cotton shorts and man, he smells so bad. it’s like that stuff is too breathable for yoga.

  • Marisa,

    I concur with your opinion that everyone practicing Bikram Yoga should be conscious and considerate of others particularly in regard to personal hygiene.

    I do not agree or find humor in your aversion to men practicing in a speedo and refering to their anatomy as “junk.”

    In the studios I have practiced Bikram Yoga I have observed many women practicing in form fitting material covering their top and bottom, and sometimes, yes, even the outline of their breasts, nipples, and labia are present.

    I believe if it is socially acceptable for women to practice Bikram Yoga in form fitting material it shoud also be acceptable for men. We should not have a double standard. We should not have an aversion to the male form. We should not refer to anyone’s body as “junk”!

  • child, you better work that YOGA ROOM!
    You had me laughing out loud with your constant genital metaphors!
    Girl, I have to hand it off to YOU!

    But, just for the boys, I do have to say–that if they are bold enough
    to wear a speedo–then celebrate the banana honey! Just spray some Axe
    on bruthaman next time–cause if he offends you–you have the
    right to AXE him!

  • Hot Yoga is pretty extreme. I almost passed out when I tried it. My favorite yoga place is yogaworks but I’m not sure if they have them in Chi-town. Equinox also has pretty decent yoga classes.

  • Sorry to be so blunt but over bearing women need to be corrected or find men with low testosterone levels to dominate. I’d bet 100 bucks your the later.

    Please consider others. If you felt like you were around a pervert then it is your fault for not addressing the situation immediately. Consider a role reversal of a man in bagging basketball shorts looking at an overweight woman in a bikini. I have to admit I’ve seen some nasty women in those classes. I myself have an aversion to hippie chicks which frequent these places.

    I’ve worm square cut trainers to basketball shorts and no one cared except a few 19 -22 yo girls. Everyone else is indifferent. Honestly a well run room at 120 heat index does not warrant a speedo as necessary. However many rooms have high CO2 levels and heat index of 140F. If your noticing others clothing in the over heated room then something is wrong with you and not him.

  • It seems the sight of male genitalia makes you cringe. Even in form-fitting clothes, male ‘junk’ seems to bring misery to you, and in a hot yoga class, you worry about sweaty testicles, but not sweaty vaginas. Do you have a problem with women’s labias showing through their yoga clothes? If you don’t, but have a problem with seeing men’s ‘junk’, then what does that say about your sexuality and judging others for theirs? What even gives you the right to condemn men for wearing form-fitting clothing? Women have done it for decades, and men don’t seem to be grossed out about it. If penises and testicles gross you out, then you might consider counseling, or you could just go to an all-women’s yoga class and immerse yourself in the comfortable environment of sweaty vaginas and camel toes. Either way – SHUT UP. You sound like a 12 year old girl who thinks EVERYthing is GROSS.

  • i almost feel bad for you dudes for taking this seriously! and no, i don’t need “counseling,” but you might….for sitting around all day and commenting on old articles that are over a year old. bam!

  • Marisa, dear. let me explain: Women have vaginas, men have penises. Get over it. If you are surprised by the response to this year-old article, go back and reread it. Since you don’t mention women and yeasty vaginas, you come off as one of those those junior high girls that wants to be queen bee by picking out someone you can get everyone to laugh at. It’s easy to get people to laugh at the guys since they’re only 10% of a class. And it really sounds like you obsess on it and your mind just can’t let it go. What’s that all about?

  • bam? Really? I didn’t sit around all day; it took five minutes. You sound like a man defending his misogynistic ramblings by telling the women he’s offended to “just relax…where’s your sense of humor?” Should we now take you as seriously as you want us to take your article? Instead of defending your offensive article or making fun of the people it offends, you might try apologizing for using such incredibly insensitive characterizations, or just REMOVE it.

  • …and one other point: you mentioned that speedos are only acceptible for swimming or pride parades. Are you saying that if you’re going to wear speedos that show off your ‘junk’ and offend people, it’s NOT okay if you’re straight but it IS okay if you’re GAY? What about gay yoga parades? What if the men wearing spandex in hot yoga classes are gay? Is it possible that people like to wear what they want without people judging them or suggesting that only gay men wear offensive spandex at gay pride parades? What are you really saying? It wasn’t so long ago that men RIDICULED women for wearing pants, that it somehow demeaned them.

  • It should be noted that “common sense” should apply to being polite and considerate, rather than the “common sense” that only gay men at gay pride parades should be the only ones to wear offensive spandex that show off their “junk”.

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