The Elusive Dick Pretzel Mystery

Written by Steph

Like I’ve mentioned before, is an exceedingly guilty pleasure of mine. Emphasis on the guilty. I seriously mourn for some of these guys. But that’s not the point of this post, so let’s get to it.

Laying in bed last night, I read something on this site that blew my fucking mind. When I read it aloud to Ashley, her perturbed reaction literally made tears stream down my face for a good 15 minutes before I could choke out the words, “What the FUCK is a dick pretzel?!”

A dick pretzel. I have never heard of this until last night, which I’m both grateful for and disturbed by. A reader wrote in to “Mom”:

This kid tied a dick pretzel with his buddy. They thought they were so cool, but when they were trying to untie themselves from each other I think he started getting a chubby so he freaked and slipped, banged his head on the toilet, and wallah! What a idiot he was, such a idiot.

She says it so matter-of-factly, as though tying dick pretzels is like joining a bowling league or playing a weekly poker game. The thought of two guys tying their dicks together to form a pretzelesque structure… I don’t know. Is this some underground phenom like huffing Smarties or “the choking game”? Does my ignorance on the subject signify my getting older? Has anyone I’ve dated in the past tied a dick pretzel before? The mind boggles.

Naturally, I had to get to the bottom of this, so I did what I always do in times of doubt– I Google’d. Well Ashley Google’d, and I waited patiently for her findings. What we found was terrifying– not once was “dick pretzel” mentioned on the internet, with the exception of this Sorry-Mom post. NOT ONE WEBSITE ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET MENTIONS DICK PRETZEL. There was “pretzel dick”, but I’m fairly certain that’s not the same thing. Then we Google’d penis pretzel, but zilch. As far as the internet is concerned, this concept does not exist.

So please, help me figure this out. What is this obscure dick pretzel? Do you know anyone who has tied one before? Why might one do something like that?

About the author


a born-and-bred Brooklyn brunette prone to excessive alliteration. Follow her on Twitter @omgstephlol. Read more here.


  • i like chocolate covered pretzels? seeing as i’m keeping penis out of my life for a bit, i think i’m out of the penis pretzel loop… but lemme know when you find out. steph, we can can’t on you.

  • I’m with you on this one. I, too, was confused by the “dick pretzel” comment. I found your blog when I, too, googled it. Damn. I was hoping you knew what it was. The mystery continues! Please let me know if you ever find out what it means! Thanx!

  • The best part of this whole story is that one of them started to get hard while they were tied together. I have to say, it would be real unfortunate to have that happen while your dick was tied in a knot.

  • lmao.. did you really ask me if any of my friends do this?.. want me to ask around? hahahahaha

    i think i could do without further information on this.. only because if i were to search one day and find not only a definition, but a picture..i wouldn’t be to pleased.. no thank you..

    haha good stuff.

  • I don’t want a picture, I guess I just want to know what the demographics are? Where did this originate? Why would you do it? I don’t want a picture AT ALL.

    The only information I’ve been able to garner so far is that– based on available slack and ease of execution, it’s a reef knot. This info comes from Navy personnel. Other than that, the search continues.

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