10 Things I Don’t Want To Talk To You About

Here’s a partial list of all the things I really have no interest in talking to you about, ever.

1. Your time at Coachella, or any other music festival. There’s a 99 percent chance you only went to look cool for your Facebook and Instagram uploads, and the fact is that you know nothing about music and only a minor amount about drug culture– and even that’s not cool because you’re like 30 and need to focus on your career and getting your emotional act together.

2. Your period. Under just about every circumstance, I don’t care. Unless it’s your lack of a period, in which case, congratulations! Babies are cute.

3. Your wedding. Unless you’re seriously my best friend ever, I don’t care. Please study a full list of reasons here.

4. Your gastro issues. If you’re my best friend, yes, I want to know everything about your poop. If we don’t text each other at least 10 times a day, don’t you dare bring your sh*t into my headspace.

5. Your current “legal situation.” What? Don’t even involve me. I don’t care who you’re suing or why you’re in landlord-tenant court. Just show me a photo of what you ate for dinner last night.

6. Your piece on the side. Literally, I don’t ever want to know about your extra-curricular affairs. Aside from me probably not caring about your main relationship, I definitely don’t care about your negativity. Please, let my hands be forever clean of your drama.

7. How your God, Messiah, or anything else should be mine, too. I’m happy for your spirituality. You do you, I’ll do me.

8. Your trials and tribulations as a vegan. I love you for being a vegan, it’s awesome and takes dedication… but honestly, you chose it, it’s not imposed on you by a government of evil.

9. Your Kickstarter. Are you serious? Remember in the old days when people who wanted to start companies worked like 3 jobs until they saved the cash they needed to get going? Now people do Kickstarter, you know, so they can take the lazy way out. No, I definitely don’t want to contribute to your version of killing American capitalism. And no, I don’t even want to talk about it for like 30 seconds about how it sucks that you didn’t reach your $31,000 goal while you worked part time and went to the Bahamas.

10. How your parents cut you off. If you’re an adult, you should be supporting yourself. Your parents supplementing your rent past 21 means you’re simply not working hard enough. Get a real job.