Everyone (even gay guys) like a good tit pic, but dick pics are an entirely different story. Tit pics can be appreciated for their aesthetic quality, lighting, and overall beauty. Dick pics serve only three purposes: to try and entice someone into slapping a beej onto said dick, for girls to share with friends and incite pride at the elasticity of their vaginas, and to make fun of.
Even as a gay guy I can admit that penises aren’t that pretty to look at (except that British guy I was dating, his is a work of art) so there are definitely some rules as to why a dick pic is appropriate to send, and some guidelines on how to take one properly. So here are some rules for guys to follow. If you happen to have a vagina, feel free to forward this to your guy friends and/or that stupid fuck from Tinder who keeps trying to slam it in your clam even though he has back hair and three nipples.
First off, here are the acceptable reasons to send a dick pic:
You met someone online, and you want to illustrate whether or not it would be worth it for them to trek from the Upper East Side to the West Village for a quick stab-and-go.
You are sexting with your Signifsy Oth, and the pic will only ever be seen by her (until you break up, then it will be seen by all of her friends, and everyone that subscribes to her man-hater blog).
Your dick is incredibly beautiful or incredibly large, and deserves to be seen. It probably deserves it’s own Facebook account, as well.
You have a strange growth or rash, and you are texting the pic to your doctor to ascertain whether you need to head to the emergency room for an amputation.
Secondly, here is the proper way to take a dick pic:
Try to make your dick look as un-scary as possible. This means soft lighting- only enough to pick up the subtle veins, because otherwise it will look like your junk is grinning.
Avoid Awkward Angles. Taking a pic of your dick from an awkward angle (let’s not sugarcoat things- to make it look bigger) isn’t doing anyone any favors, especially whomever you are trying to lure over. The last thing you want when a girl or guy unwraps your package is a look of disappointment.
Obey the angles. There are basically only three acceptable angle for a dick pic. Taken from above, you can illustrate the length. Just do a bitch a favor and sweep your fucking floor first. Taken from the side, you can illustrate the hardness and trajectory. A girl likes to know whether she is getting a straight and narrow pounder, or a dive bomber dick. Taken from the front, you can show off a few abs and pecs too, just don’t get too creative with the angles, or you might stumble into the territory of false advertising.
Lastly, the two most important rules of taking a dick pic:
Never take a dick pic when you are soft. What’s the point?
Always leave out any incriminating evidence, including tattoos or recognizable landmarks such as the beanbag chair you and your girlfriend nearly broke up over, or your laptop, open to your Facebook page, with your social security number scrawled onto a piece of mail taped to a headshot for your new comp card.
[ photo via via via ]
