It’s National Masturbation Month!

May is National Masturbation Month – woohoo! As a staunch, ahem, alone time lover, I’m pretty excited to spend this month celebrating. Already, people across the country have got to rubbin’ it out, but perhaps the most over-the-top shindig in honor of this month would be the Masturbate-A-Thon in San Francisco, which just might be the most fabulous charity event ever created. Invented in 1998 by Good Vibrations to raise money for “good causes,” the Masturbate-A-Thon has since raised over $25,000 and has had roughly 1700 pledged participants. Personally, I’m quite shocked that only 1700 people have taken advantage of this legal (and charitable!) opportunity to engage in some narcissistic exhibitionism. I mean, come ON – with the contest line-up including “Longest Squirt Distance,” “Longest Time Spent Masturbating,” “Most Orgasms,” and “Tag Team Fun” (very intriguing…), how can anyone resist? Itching to wank off in the name of fundraising? You’ll sadly have to wait until next May – this year’s took place last weekend!

(I'm just going to continue posting pictures of masturbation throughout this post)

In other news, while perusing the web for all things related to masturbation, I stumbled across AskMen.com’s “Tiptoe Through the Two Lips” (note to author: that headline’s sort of moronic), which addresses reasons why women masturbate and how they do it. I’m sure men across all seven continents are shocked to find that:

Women masturbate when they are lonely, horny, not satisfied, or too insecure to have sex. And bored (my addition). Are these not the same reasons a man would “beat the meat”? We all have needs…

Women often give themselves the best orgasms they’ve ever had. There’s no denying that sometimes the current running through this hand is best used to shock myself like an electric eel.

Women use vibrators, fingers, dildos, showerheads, and household appliances et al to get off. Um… “household appliances et al?” WTF? Listed possibilities are hair brushes (the end without bristles, I’m assuming), Coke bottles, and “phallic-shaped vegetables.” HAHA! BRB, I have to go to the grocery to buy myself an extra large cucumber/dildo thing!

Even monkeys masturbate.

Speaking of cucumbers, to conclude my first post of National Masturbation Month (because there will be more, I promise you this) I present to you a list of the Most Ridiculous Nicknames for Masturbation:

- Jilling Off (Get it? Jack and Jill…)

– Ya-Yaing the Sisterhood

– Fish Finger Shuffle (I’ll never look at fish sticks the same way again.)

– Playing the Clitar

– DJ Diddling (Because “it does sort of look like we’re scratching a record.”)

– Caressing the Cucumber  (OMG, love cucumbers. Just bought one.)

– Bashing the Bishop  (Whoever actually uses this one is going to hell, I think.)

– Bludgeoning the Beefsteak (This sounds awfully painful.)

– A Date with Pamela Handerson (Hardy har Handerson!)

– Answering the Bone Phone

– Shaking Hot White Coconuts from the Veiny Love Tree (…)

Until next time!