Why I <3 Megan Fox

As you may have heard, Megan Fox has “freakish” thumbs. She’s had them forever (her whole life, I’ve heard), but Howard Stern shed light on the toe thumb issue the other morning and now everyone is obsessively googling “Megan Fox toe thumbs” which is precisely why I’m writing about it! Thank you, Google Trends!

Anyway, I’m here to say that I’m a fan of those adorable little nubbins. Megs is my age, and up until now, I stayed up late at night wondering what sort of cruel, unjust god would expect the two of us to exist parallel to each other. And now that I have my answer, I can get a proper eight hours of rest without all of the tossing and turning and asking “WHY god? Why are my boobs average and my eyes brown? Why can’t I afford believable hair extensions?”

And the reason why is this: My thumbs are regular. I don’t make millions of dollars, and I probably haven’t made it into more than ten spank banks, but I also don’t have the entire internet calling me alien-thumb-freakazoid-formerly-hot-megan-who?, either. I didn’t have ragamuffin dirty-faced kids making fun of my thumbs in elementary school. And for that, I am both grateful and sad for all the toe-thumbed peeps out there, tryin’ to get by.

Abnormal or nay, Megan Fox is still hot. Her unique thumbs is only one reason I love her, but here are the rest in no particular order:

• She was not (visably) ashamed to be engaged to Brian Austin Green. This takes balls, my friends. This is like sticking it out with the guy that all of your friends hate, except that “guy” is a has-been who girls our age fantasized about 15 years ago and your “friends” are every tabloid magazine, fan, and gossip website in existence.
• She played opposite LiLo in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, one of my all-time guilty pleasure films. I own it on DVD. Seriously.
• She “pinches loafs” in her friends’ toilets and doesn’t flush. Read: She takes shits in her FRIENDS’ bathrooms, doesn’t flush, calls it “pinching a loaf”, and then tells people about it. C’mon.
• She understands that Shia LaBeouf is not Even Stevens anymore, but actually a guy worthy of major sexing.
• She’ll summarize movies for you that you didn’t want to see:

  “Ok, well let me tell you what [High School Musical] is really about.  High School Musical is about this group of boys who are all being molested by the basketball coach, who is Zac Efron’s dad.  It’s about them struggling to cope with this molestation.  And they have these little girlfriends, who are their beards.  Oh, and somehow there’s music involved.  You have to get stoned to watch it.”

I’ve never seen High School Musical, but I’ll take her word for it.

The next time you get all consumed with Megan Fox’s thumbs, just think about all of the other things she has to offer us. Would Howard Stern pinch a loaf in your toilet and not flush? I didn’t think so.