Annoying wedding shit is everywhere. Partially because weddings are an addictive, communicable disease, and partially because I’m 29 and everyone and their mother is in full on wedding mode. Before I delve any deeper, for those of you reading this thinking immediately “she’s just annoyed because she’s not married…” You’re wrong. I’m married to a man I really love, with kids popping out of me like every year. The deep love plus kids equation means I have a pretty decent sense of realism. Now feast on it.
1. People who get engaged to their “best friends.” OK, two possibilities here. You’re either not a girl’s girl and have no real best friends (maybe because you dumped them along the way to your hot and heavy pursuit of a ring), or you’re beyond insulting the real friends you really do have. Like, this guy you dated for 2 years suddenly is a better friend than the girl you’ve known since kindergarten? If so, you’re a dumb whore. The guy is possibly your soulmate- as in completes you, brings you closer to achieving your life goals, etc… but announcing on facebook “OMG I’m engaged to my best friend” is as stupid as stepping in front of a moving bus. Your real friends will silently hate you forever, and then some.
2. Forcing your friends to spend like 3 months income on your wedding. So, you’re getting married. Chances are you’re in your 20’s or 30’s and can’t afford to pay for your wedding on your own. So you call mom, dad, future in laws, and that awesome uncle with a few car dealerships to make your dream of orchid centerpieces and Vera Wang a reality. How nice for you, except you’re still expecting your friends with massive law school debt to dish out $400 for your bridesmaid dress, $325 for the matching Stuart Weitzman shoes that will honestly never be worn again because they’re rust colored silk, $200 for your engagement gift, $950 for your bachelorette weekend that’s going to be a shitshow anyway, $600 for the actual wedding gift, and countless drinks and spa time adventures along the way. But it’s all OK, because as the best friend/bride that you are, you’ll be there forever and ever as a shoulder to cry on when your friends are officially too poor to marry anyone, ever, or own a home. Oh, and the colors you picked were beyond unflattering.
3. You have a wedding hashtag. You have a fucking wedding hashtag. You think you’re brilliant. #JessandDan2013 or #SmithWolkowitzWedding seems really great, right? Wrong. Nothing signifies insignificance quite like a hashtag. Hashtags are for sandwiches, drunken beach days, and outfit of the day posts. If you hashtag your wedding, it’s like inviting divorce, because the meaning of marriage never meant much to begin with.
4. You put ring pics on facebook. You trashy beast. If your engagement announcement includes a giant “omg look at my finger! he did it!” followed by a photo of you wearing a quarter carat ring, well, that’s what you deserve. This is the wedding equivalent of wearing a fake Louis Vuitton monogram anything. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Try a status like “I’m so excited to announce Mike and I are engaged! It’s a dream come true!” Simple, elegant, inoffensive. Need a photo? Try one of the two of you smiling. Happiness is shinier than your Zales ring. If your ring is actually pretty great, people will notice in real life.
5. You think everyone cares. Genuinely, everyone’s pretty excited for you. Like, especially your parents, because you’re no longer their responsibility (in theory). But the guy in the cube next to you doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your table linens. And the woman who cuts your hair is probably beyond over hearing about your seating chart (especially since you didn’t invite her). And your friends with kids? They definitely 100% don’t care at all, because your life priorities are retardedly out of whack. Pay off your credit cards, go to the gym, do a good deed. Stop annoying everyone.
6. You say things like “it’ll be you next” to your unengaged friends and relatives. What? Fuck off. Maybe they don’t want to be married, or are self aware enough to realize they have a bunch of work to do on themselves and countries to travel to before getting into a joint mortgage, kids, and mega league commitment. Don’t be such a condescending bitch. It’s as unflattering as body glitter at the altar (or anywhere else outside of a stripper pole).
7. You think this doesn’t apply to you. You’re reading this, laughing, and are all “no way, I never put a ring pic up.” Well, you did all the other shit, so own it, and call your friends to apologize. Write them an apology note on your monogrammed stationery. Invite them for brunch on your fancy new china. Bake them loaves of bread in your never used $176 William Sonoma bread machine. Actually, don’t, giving your friends carbs after sending them into debt and a bad emotional spiral is even cuntier. Just do something nice.
#sorrynotsorry
Hope your vegan cake with anorexic topper is totally delish, though <3
Touche!
haha, this is the best post ever. Love it…
LOVE. Also, don’t ever marry your best friend, you will fuck up the friendship and friends are more important that spouses and harder to replace in the long run.
you really lost me at your offense use of “retarded” . While writing this may result in the you picking on me, I still feel that it is better than picking on those who might not have the ability to handle it for themselves. Please reconsider your use of this word and read this article, among the many heartfelt ones written about this word. You are free to do as you wish, this is a free country, but there are so many other words, I would hate for this one to detract from your message.
http://www.lovethatmax.com/2013/03/dont-use-the-word-retard-or-retarded.html
Oh, but Bryce, you forgot about the destination wedding where I am forced to fly to the ends of the earth, rent a hotel, hire a car, etc etc etc!!!
Trust me, as a child free woman, the baby shit is way more annoying. And it lasts for years.
TRUTH. It’s your kids 7 month, 2 week, and 4 day birthday? 47 photo posts seem like an appropriate celebration for this momentous occasion.
Can’t believe you use the word “retarded”. It’s 2013. You should know better.
This looks like it was written by a 16 year old, retarded, bitch, shit, these words don’t make you funny.
sure some engaged girls are annoying but they’re excited! People do/say things without really thinking when they’re excited. Also, the way you write is offensive and you come off so bitchy. It’s gross and trashy.
I love all of the braggy, chalkboard, mason jar, Gina-n-John Smith facebook couples that have invaded these comments. Looks like the author touched a major nerve. If she wasn’t right you wouldn’t be so flipping offended. GTFO.
Agree with everything you said! Great article, funny as hell. Im planning my own wedding, and I’m happy to marry the person I love, but what’s up with all the irritating extra’s that a lot of girls feel are necessary to a wedding? and the forced excitement and hoopla just makes me wanna punch them in the face. get a life. marriage is just one great thing, don’t think that just because you’re having this experience means you have to throw it in people’s faces and act like its THE GREATEST THING EVER, EVERYONE PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
YES
If these were your friends, and you really think these things, you should not go to their wedding. Or any wedding. It’s supposed to be about a supportive community. I’m married and a mom, too. I had a wedding for my family and let everyone wear anything they wanted. Really, my thirteen year old cousin was a junior bridesmaid and she wore a cute dress she picked out which cost her grandmother $25, and then wore a cut off denim jacket over that, and she looked awesome. But my status as a mom, wife, and generally thrifty individual doesn’t give me license to be a jerk. I’m still happy for my friends when they get engaged, even if they get a big ring, or dress, or marry their best friends.
I think I hate you…
Poor woman is bitter about something. What happened at your wedding? Or did someone refuse you? Yikes!
I see facebook posts about weddings, what seems like, daily. Yeah sometimes I don’t want to hear about every little detail and I do get the whole “married my best friend” thing but geez. If you don’t like it, ignore it. If it annoys you that much, unfriend them. Let other people be happy in their lives. People need things to look forward to. It’s what keeps us going.
This is the most incessant garbage I have ever read. Excuse you for being a horribly mean person. “#sorrynotsorry”? What are you? A 16 year old girl? Lol continue on with your miserable life.
your comment is the best one. “incessant garbage” that you obviously read through. you’re leaving negative comments on negative comments. you win the entire internet today.
You’re most likely bitter from your horrible divorce and taking it out on the women happy about their marriage to come. Sorry (not sorry) your ex discovered your a bitter, sad fuck. Get a life you sad , lonely and pathetic waste of air. Your nothing but a disgrace to women.
Lastly, your use of “retarded” alone should get you punched in the face. My little brother has downs and the use of that word towards him or any others with his condition make me sick alone, and you throw it out like it’s just a word. Screw you, lady.
You should probably never blog again.
#sorrynotsorry #seewhatididthere
What horrible divorce? What use of retarded? Looks like you didn’t read the post at all. Thanks for the traffic though <3
You can’t even read your own “article”? Yes, you used the word “retardedly.”
Isn’t it more disappointing that you only see that word as a way to reference the mentally ill? If you look it up, here’s the actual definition of the verb “to retard.” You’ll see it’s scope goes far beyond those with mental illness. There’s a reason “fire retardants” are still referred to as such– it’s not actually offensive. If I had referred to anyone who suffers from actual mental challenges in that way, I’d agree entirely with you, but I didn’t, wouldn’t, and I do believe we’re on the same page with this one issue.
delay or hold back in terms of progress, development, or accomplishment.
“his progress was retarded by his limp”
synonyms:delay, slow down, slow up, hold back, hold up, set back, postpone, put back, detain, decelerate; More
Welcome to a thing called CONTEXT: in our society today, you can’t use the word ‘retarded’ etymologically. It has sociopolitical meaning.
You do realize that negative traffic isn’t good right? <3
Are you still employed? Because after an article like this you should be fired. Absolute shit.
Completely agreed with most of this – I’m the kind of person that fucking hates the fact that we make weddings out to be 10x bigger deal than graduation, getting a job, etc. A wedding isn’t a fucking accomplishment, it’s a damn party.
That being said, I think you’re a little ill-advised about #1. The main reason being you can (and many of us do) have more than one best friend. The amount of time I’ve been friends with someone really doesn’t determine how close I am to them. Guys I’ve dated have become my best friends, and I think that’s a good thing. You shouldn’t marry someone you don’t consider one of your best friends, because everyone know passion fades, but friendship will always be there. It’s corny, I know, but just because you boyfriend/fiancé/husband is your best friend, doesn’t make your other bffs less important to you.
I thought this was very honest thanks.
A wedding shouldn’t just be a grown up sweet 16
Wow. The whole tone of this post is just hateful. The author comes across as completely bitter and unable to share or enjoy the happiness of others.. Including those who are likely her friends. If all this bothers you so much, unfollow their posts online, and leave your bitter ass at home instead of participating in wedding / engagement festivities. Your engaged friends would probably prefer that if this is how you really feel.
I mean this is posted by a woman who tries to make news of getting her hair blown out. Enough said.
Am I the only one who noticed all the idiots posting on this? They all think this is about 1 girl or something, but it is pretty clear it is about the institution of over-commercialized weddings. Wake up, you don’t live to support Hallmark… or do you?
This is hilarious and from the comments below- it’s obvious that people don’t understand sarcasm/ can’t take a joke.
All brides are guilty of a few or all of these things (in some form or another). It’s obviously just poking fun. the readers need to relax and have a good laugh. I’m assuming people are taking this so personally because they are guilty of letting bride brain overtake them for a year or two. Happens to the best of us and I enjoy having a good laugh about it.
I’m a tomboy-ish girl who is overwhelmed trying to plan a wedding. I thought this article would be a good laugh (I’m constantly talking about “annoying wedding shit” too), but it was sooo not worth my time. I was turned off by “you’re a dumb whore” and it just went downhill from there. This writer thinks she’s cute and edgy but really she just comes off as pathetic and angry for no reason. How sad, what a downer.
You’re sugh a hater, let people be happy! What’s wrong with your best friend being the love of your life?! Sorry you didn’t get so lucky…
I want to frame this article. It so beautifully encapsulates the horrific “wedding industrial complex” that, to me, celebrates the vanity of marriage and not the beautiful union of two committed individuals.
Hehe! Amazing – Brilliant post Bryce!
It’s plain & simple. Hurt people hurt people. This woman clearly Is “happily married” yet chooses to write an ass-worthy segment on excited brides to be versus spending time with wonderful husband and all those “kids she pops out every year.”
Stop sucking a lemon and adjust your clearly selfish attitude.
You obviously don’t understand the concept of a hashtag…
This article encapsulated all of my feelings about weddings and people online bragging about their weddings. Thank you.
Posting your countdown EVERYDAY! It’s not cute! My husband and I did it to each other but not to our friends! They don’t care!
Weddings are annoying but so is this post. It reeks of failed relationships and unrequited crushes.