Of all the pointless inventions I have heard of over the years, the rape whistle has to be one of the worst. The idea of a rape whistle is to draw attention to yourself, but I think it might be the wrong kind of attention. Whistles remind people of either the middle-school gym classes they hated (lesbian gym teachers massaging their nipples as they watch you climb the rope), or of crossing guards with superiority complexes ushering them across the street in anger because they couldn’t get jobs as real cops. Nobody likes whistles, rape or otherwise, because it just isn’t a pleasant sound. If you feel that a rape is impending, my suggestion is to do a song and dance from one of your favorite Broadway plays, or TV shows. If you bust out in a song from Glee, it will probably turn your attacker off so much he will castrate himself. It will also garner attention from passers-by, and maybe even earn you a few bucks in the process. You come out with your dignity, your innocence, and enough money for a coffee. And you didn’t offend anyone’s ears with the ear-splitting sound of a rape whistle.
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