Bryce Gruber’s Thoughts of the Day

Walking through this life really is walking through fire. -Chaka Khan

1. Hookin’ For Trouble. Saturday night was my favorite cousin’s 40th birthday party. To be clear, he’s an awesome 40. He’s not the typical frumpy 40 year old dad of 2 young kids that occurs more often than not, so I was excited to head up to Westchester (about 30 minutes from NYC) to spend the evening engaged in riveting birthday wildness with about 15 or so married couples. I was paired with his only still-single friend at dinner (phew), and spent the night drinking far too much sangria for my relatively easy-going liver. By the time I got back to the city at around 1 AM I was ready to balance the evening out with Gary. I was reminded by about 3:30 AM that I, too, am no longer that cool. I was exhausted, and could no longer muster energy for grinding with homos. I retired to a 24 hour pizza shop and took a cab home.

2. Dating. So, it’s no shock that I take a little while to warm up physically to a guy, even if I like him. I’m usually pretty upfront about this, and it usually works out for the best… if it’s a good guy, he’ll wait. If it’s not a good guy, there’s simply nothing to lose by keeping your hands (mouth, vaj, etc) to yourself. Last night I had a 2nd date with a guy I’ve sort of known for a while. I thought I had made it pretty clear that I needed a while to get there physically, but he had plans of his own:

Scene: noisy, trendy restaurant in downtown Manhattan. Him sitting across from me. It’s hard to hear.

Him: I think I’m going to move next to you.

(he gets up and sits next to me on my side of the table).

Me: Oh, good.

Him: (starts to hold my hand)

Me: Wait, you’re holding my hand? I’m probably going to hit you up for child support in 9 months.

Him: Get in line!

Sigh.

3. Chicago, Chicago!!! Get ready for it, midwesterners! TheLuxurySpot is taking Chicago by storm in mid-September… and we’re taking over the best club in town, as well, The MID. Start preparing for us now in the following ways:

1. Fix your weave
2. Wax/laser all appropriate areas
3. Give up your grainy, beefy midwestern diet
4. Take a Pilates class
5. Rid your closet of lycra, invest in something like a lightweight animal-print cashmere.