Guy Keeps Spreadsheet on Dates, Kills Chances of Ever Being Loved

Written by Bryce

When a close friend sent me this email this morning, I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or vomit. I did a little of each. As it turns out, online dating has completely moved on from its one time point of convenience for busy professionals and has transferred all its energy to a much creepier world of spreadsheets, Microsoft Office, and science. Truth be told, some men have always just been a little more calculated (since the beginning of time and penises, I suppose), but the interwebs has made it so much easier to expose this behavior and let the normal-ish bros and frat dudes conquer their bar prey with so much more ease. Guys named named “Rob” who can only tell you about their college football days now look like interesting and worthy saints. Guys named “David” who keep spreadsheets on girls they meet at somewhat ordinary touristy restaurants in Manhattan are the new jackass. So much for the good ole’ days of just remembering your dates… sigh. Read on:

—– Forwarded Message —–
From: Megan <>
Sent: Friday, April 13, 2012 9:14 AM
Subject: Fwd: spreadsheet…


This is FOR real. My friend Arielle’s latest experience. Just when you thought you heard & saw it all when it comes to the dating world….

Happy Friday!!!



———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Arielle <>
Date: Wed, Apr 11, 2012 at 10:13 PM
Subject: Fwd: spreadsheet…

See below/attached. Enjoy!

 See you tomorrow! 

Sent from my iPhone.

Begin forwarded message:

From: Arielle <>
Date: April 9, 2012 9:41:30 AM EDT
Subject: Fwd: spreadsheet…

Hi Girls,

Wanted to pass this on to you for some monday morning entertainment.

I went on a date with this guy last wednesday. On the date, he tells me that he has a spreadsheet for tracking all of the people from match that are “in process”. Naturally, I tease him and ask him to send me the spreadsheet. For some strange reason, he actually does. See below/attached.

Just when I thought I had seen it all….




———- Forwarded message ———-
From: David M <>
Date: Sat, Apr 7, 2012 at 12:15 AM
Subject: spreadsheet…

Well…this could be a mistake, but what the hell.  I thought about deleting the names, but figured I might as will give you the whole thing.  I only deleted the non-match people’s names (at the bottom) since some I’ve known for a long time.  I hope this e-mail doesn’t backfire, because I really had a great time and hope to hang again soon :).  However, I will keep my word!  Have a great weekend!

– Dave

Here are some clips of the spreadsheet… We included some  highlights and left out the personal details:

I think my favorite line is “she also spoke to Spitzer.” Go ahead meat heads, go collect all the best women in NYC, because I think they’re about to start shying away from the finance nerds.

About the author


Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber

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