I got a text from one of my closest gays a few days ago that simply said, “Bryce, I know this sounds crude, but I think my butt is just too perfect. I mean ____ (insert name of boyfriend) finishes in like 30 seconds, every time. I need to get at least 1.5 minutes out of him. What do I do?” Well, Andrew friend, there are a few really simple ways.
1. Try a stamina product like Promescent. It’s an over the counter product that’s FDA approved for topical use to basically make all that crazy sensation on the tip of his peen chill out for a few more minutes. It acts faster than thinking of the Tanning Mom naked.
2. Think of Tanning Mom, Naked. What? Works for everyone I know.
3. The trick up your sleeve. If you’re in an unexpected sex time crunch, swing by any drugstore for a medicated gel made for your post-bikini wax issues called “Bikini Zone.” It contains casually-numbing Lidocaine, which will mildly subdue all his natural urges.
4. Pistachios. Chomp on these little guys frequently. They contain phytonutrients thought to stave off premature ejaculation, and they’re tasty, full of fiber, and endorsed by California people (hippies know things about sex, I think).
