Look around your apartment. Are there at least 3 random cats lounging around, plotting to kill you in your sleep? Do these cats have strange names like Mr. Winkles, Marisa Cooper, and Tinkersmell? Do you work at an animal shelter, by any chance? Have your vagina been bone dry for the past year? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be in danger of becoming a cat lady. No fear however, I have some easy alternatives for you.
Be a ball-busting career bitch. Career girls don’t have time for pets, mostly because they are either travelling the world for work, eating out of takeout boxes, or getting drunk and hooking up with guys from hotel bars. If you want to be a caretaker, skip the kitties and take care of your career. Unlike ungrateful felines, a career won’t shit on the wall when you rearrange the furniture.
Be a wife. Its not hard to get married if you really want to. In fact, there are plenty of illegal immigrants that would marry you, pay you, and be unable to speak your language. Do you know what a huge language barrier means for a marriage? No fights. It’s a win-win.
Be a nun. We have all considered joining the cloth at least once in our lives. If you feel it is unlikely that you will ever attract a mate, just join the nunnery. God is more reliable than a real husband, and unlike an actual human being, he doesn’t fart in his sleep or leave the toilet seat up.
Be a barfly whore. For most cat ladies, cats fill an empty void in their life. Do you know what else is really good at filling voids? Alcohol and penises. Being a barfly whore is super easy, because all you have to do is find the bar closest to your house or apartment and spend every afternoon there. Drink enough so that you will sleep with anyone, but not so much that you risk being raped and murdered, and have yourself a fancy time. If you are really good at it, you will never have to spend a night alone.
Be a humanitarian. Cats bring you comfort and a sense of purpose. Humanitarian work does the same thing, but without pet dander. If none of these other options appeal to you, consider devoting your life to helping others through charitable causes. I am not sure, mostly because I am in no danger of being a cat lady, but I think that helping others makes you a beautiful person, and attracts actual people to you, instead of demonic, purring beasts.
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