Ever been sitting on your toilet with a little plastic device in your hand (and no, not the fun kind) wondering if bringing a child into a world where Miley Cyrus can release a greatest hits CD is a good idea? If so, these 3 questions may mean the difference between 18 minutes of powerful suction followed by a caramel machiatto, or 18 years of torture followed by a messy divorce and a destroyed vagina.
1. Do you feel comfortable wearing a size medium or large? If not, its best to abort. Weight gain is an unfortunate side effect of pregnancy. All the lycra in the world won’t be able to keep you in those double zero Seven for all Mankind’s.
2. Do you like your vagina? I’m no expert but from what I understand, the odds that you are born with a really pretty vagina are 1/1000. If you were thus blessed, it is a slap in the face to women everywhere for you to besmirch it by pushing out a baby.
3. Have you ever been bulimic? I am assuming the answer is yes, since most of the people who read this site went to college and knew that the only way to get college guys to like you was to have a low self esteem and several unhealthy habits. If you have been bulimic before, you probably have damaged teeth. The morning sickness will damage them further. Then you will end up toothless and alone, except for your baby whose shiny new white teeth will grow in making you more and more jealous every day until you send a poisoned apple to your child’s cottage that she shares with seven horny short Mexican busboys.That is called a post-birthing abortion, and its illegal in most places.
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