I Bang The Worst Dudes

Not me, personally. But the girls that frequent Sorry-Mom.com tell tales that’ll encourage you to join a convent.

Over drinks the other night, a girl friend of mine got over-enthused about sorry-mom.com, so much so that she couldn’t remember the name of the site. Intrigued, I asked if there was even one distinguishing catch phrase she could remember to help me Google this sexing atrocity. Her response? “Just Google, ‘I bang the worst dudes’.” And lo-and-behold, here was this blog chock full of cringe-inducing stories.

Stories like this one:

“This loser thought he was the greatest and romantic poet in the world, but in reality used words in the wrong context and was just completely cheesy. It didn’t help that the sex was horrible either. His 4-incher barely got up and he always had lame excuses such as “it’s too hot in here”, “I’m a little drunk right now”, or “I’m kind of tired.” In the 6 months that I was with him, I never came once. As if that wasn’t enough, he always had an excuse as to why he didn’t have enough money or his wallet on him; so I would end up paying for dinner and his gas. What a gentleman.”

Or this one:

“This 6′9″ bench-warmer was so sweet but it got so old: a sex-less month passed before I had to pounce on him. I disregarded the lack of stiffness in his pants until we attempted to have sex. He couldn’t get his disproportionate dick up, even after maybe an hour of him sucking my tits – yawn – and asking me to grind on his flaccid peep. After he told me he didn’t want anything serious and blaming the ED on him being sick, I gave it another shot. An hour of foreplay for a two minute erection, which ended as he pulled out, claiming I “feel too good.” Right.”

How about this one?

“I met this asshat on a dating site and he came to visit me for the weekend. Unfortunately he neglected to mention he was only as tall as a leprechaun and reeaaally balding. He spent a majority of the weekend trying too hard to impress me with music snobbery, bragging about his job, river dancing and making my friends uncomfortable with his off color jokes. When he took off his pants I simply cocked my head to the side and stared in disbelief at his normal sized balls and teeny tiny penis, which earned him his nickname, “toddler penis” (TP for short.) When the weekend was over and he returned back home I was contacted by the girl who was dating him (surprise!) and when we asked him what was going on he threatened to off himself and checked into a mental hospital for the weekend.”

Alright, that’s sort of bad. But once you read a couple of these stories, a theme emerges. The theme being, “I fucked this guy/dated this guy/hooked up with this guy for X amount of time and they were terrible at life.” Some of the girls will mention that they never heard from the guy again, or that he never responded to her messages. What I want to know is– WHY, in the name of all that is good, would you want to reconnect with someone you found so utterly pathetic that you uploaded his picture and bashed him on a public forum? Why did you date this person for months? Why?!

Here are some snippets I found exceptionally questionable:

“The morning after our first date, we were texting when he started bragging about his “huge dick.” I agreed to another date…”

And you thought this winner would be the one you brought home to mom? Any guy who TEXTS YOU BRAGGING about the size of his dick THE MORNING AFTER your FIRST DATE is clearly no Rick Blaine.

“…three times I was napping, half asleep, watching a movie or whatever, and I would feel him start touching me. I pretended to keep sleeping to see what he was planning.The dude would mash my boobs like playdough for like, ten minutes, and then come in his pants…”

Why would you do this? Three Times?

“Two or three months into dating this guy, he begged me to let him stick a tool (like, from a toolbox) in me. I finally let him use the plastic handle end of a Phillips screwdriver after it was sanitized. He came on himself in 3 seconds. A year into it, he told me his young cousin had come to their cottage and after they were gone, he pulled a used diaper from the garbage, put it on (with tape, prepared soul that he was) and jerked off. He said he liked the sensation. Yeah, the sensation of I’m getting the hell outta here.”

Okay, WHAT THE FUCK?! You let the guy bang you with a screwdriver, you stayed with him for a year, and you’re disheartened that he jerked off while wearing a used diaper? I know love makes you do crazy things, but come ON. I can’t possibly pity anyone that somehow manages to stay in this situation.

Right now, Sorry-Mom is flying under the radar, and the comments mostly encourage the attitude of the posters. There has been the rare occasion when someone has defended a dude on this site, but such comments are far and few between. Luckily, the community decided this guy didn’t really sound all that bad and let the poster know it:

“This dude was smooth, funny, down to earth and hot, and we stayed up bonding until he put on the moves. We started banging when an old flame of mine starting calling and throwing rocks at the window, thereby reinventing “the buzzkill.” The pretty one seemed understanding, and let me deal with the fiasco outside and didn’t attempt anything after I returned. He never responded to any of my following overtures, which lead me to realize that he had ulterior motives: he knew I’d slept with some of his friend, hadn’t actually felt a bond, and was just trying to screw me as a way of coping with his recent breakup.”

Um, what? You mean a guy shouldn’t be totally turned off by your psycho ex throwing rocks at your window in the middle of the night? This blog–while entertaining and hard to walk away from– does not make me cheer “You Go Girl!” and thank my lucky stars that I haven’t banged any terrible dudes. It does make me question the girls, who have the balls to air out someone’s dirty laundry (sometimes with not-censored-enough pictures to accompany the story). Guess what– that “laundry” belongs to both of you. Your stories are more telling than you ever intended them to be.

That being said, who’s going to start up I Bang The Worst Chicks?