Indian Momma’s Philosophy on Marriage

Let me start by saying that I’ve never been married.  Sure, I have a kid, but I’m also holding out for the right situation.  I recognize there’s no 6’5″ Prince Charming with an everlasting head of hair and a giant schlong out there, but I do think I should set some boundaries for what’s acceptable.  After all, boyfriends may come and go, but I intend to marry only one time.  This is precisely the reason I’ve turned to the guidance of some of my Indian friends for what to look for.  I asked my friend Priti’s mother the other day, “Mrs. Singh, can you set up some guidelines for me?  What’s Ideal?  Make me a checklist please!”

She happily responded by saying, “Well, Bryce, I think you should use that internet you’re so fond of to research what is important to a typical Indian mother.  This is a good place to start.”  She then went on to add some things about making sure he has a job, is fair-skinned, and able to produce lots of male sperm… but that’s neither here nor there.

So I researched, and what I found was priceless.  As it turns out, the number one demand of mothers in the northern state of Haryana is that a male suitor have a toilet.  Apparently toilets are scarce, but necessary.  More men have televisions than toilets.  That’s effed up.  I’ll tell you right now, I have 3 toilets in my apartment.  I have two televisions.  That’s a more sensible ratio.  India has 8% more men than women, so the ladyfolk in India have become more vocal about expressing their resentment at having to piss outdoors.  Brides are using this as as leverage.

An estimated 660 million people in India still defecate outside, which causes countless medical complications including  diarrhea and polio (Jonas Salk, where you at boy?).

“Women suffer the most from this situation. They must go outside and they have to do so before sunrise or after nightfall so they can’t be seen,” said Bindeshwar Pathak, founder of Sulabh, the company that has been building toilets for tens of millions of Indians.  He’s also the recipient of this year’s Stockholm Water Prize for developing eco-friendly lavatories, resuting in improved public health.

So, men of the world, and my potential suitors… you needn’t apply unless you’re well stocked in the plumbing department.  I mean that in every possible way.