On the heels of David Duchovny’s recent release from “sex addiction rehab,†I’ve begun to question the authenticity of this alleged disorder. He joins the ranks of Michael Douglas, Eric Benet and Billy Bob Thornton who have all sought treatment for this “problem.†Apparently Duchovny spent too many hours trolling the web for porn and chatting up unsuspecting girls in chat rooms. 1. I was under the impression that chat rooms closed their virtual doors when I turned 13 and 2. Assuming they do still exist, then wouldn’t everyone in a chat room be due for a quick jaunt in a sex rehab facility because lets be honest, no one in there is talking about their common love for macramé at 2 a.m.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Scientologist who renounces proven medical disorders, i.e. depression and autism. But sex addiction? Come on. We’re all human and we all have that same sexual pining that ebbs and flows depending on how cute the guy rubbing up against you on the 6 train is. And, we are all familiar with how good it feels to get it on. I’m sure there’s some medical jargon involved with the whole process, releasing serotonin and other sexy brain chemicals and whatnot, but the fact is that it’s a good feeling. Good feelings make you want more good feelings. That’s why we watch comedies- we like to laugh. That’s also why people do drugs, but that’s a whole other post. At least with drugs you’re introducing an outside stimulus into your body; with sex, you’re literally addicted to yourself. Addicted to yourself! Let’s practice some will-power, people.
I took a quiz on the Sex Addicts Anonymous website that is supposed to reveal any sort of latent sex addiction. I’ve included some of the more intriguing questions. Keep in mind, if you answer “yes†to at least one of these questions, you are a supposed sex addict.
1. Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?
Does sex in the library at college count? What about that one-night-stand you woke up next to, naked, with your underwear in your hair, followed by a day full of self loathing? It’s happened to the best of us.
2. Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?
If masturbation is suddenly illegal, every boy I know should be featured on Locked Up: San Quentin. Really? Who doesn’t look for sexually arousing bits of media, that’s what I want to know. I have a guy friend who has an entirely separate internet browser just for porn. Should I stage an intervention?
3. Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex?
Please refer to the one-night-stand detailed in question 1.
4. Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development?
As if you never repented for going one-over on the number of guys you were going to sleep with before marriage. Or, silently asked God to earmuff himself during a particularly descriptive dirty-talking session.
My point here is that we are all sex addicts. Unless you’re a priest. Or a nun. Or Lenny Kravitz (look it up). So, let’s all get it on while we can. But, in the words of the very wise sage Van Wilder: Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool. Write that down.
