It pains me to say that it’s time for me to find a new rolemodel. America’s sweetheart Paula Abdul admitted to Ladies’ Home Journal this week that she fought a secretive 12-year battle against painkiller addiction. And frankly, I’m shocked.
All of those good times with Paula– the slurring, the delightfully idiotic American Idol commentary, the loony “Opposites Attract” music video– it was all a ruse! This whole time I thought Paula was just adorably absentminded and slightly senial. Because of this breaking news, I’m now facing my own very personal battle: can I ever trust Paula’s opinion on young studs like Corey Clark ever again?! Did he REALLY have the chops to make it to Hollywood Week, or was she swayed by those powerful painkillers? Or was she just fucking him? Everything I’ve ever known to be true, is a lie.
Who will break the news that this didn't really occur?
Seriously though, anyone who has watch one episode of “Hey Paula” could have probably diagnosed her addiction from the comfort of their living room. After years of cheerleading and dancing injuries, two car crashes, and a plane crash (?!), Paula was diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Disorder and her doctor gave her a patch to wear, a patch 80 times more potent than morphine. Misguided twentysomethings across America are now in search of Paula’s medical records, in an effort to get a much-coveted appointment with aforementioned doctor.
It’s honestly a sad story, but Paula has been clean since last November. She’s all set to perform on American Idol next Wednesday (!!!), where an unforseen injury will take place LIVE, FOR ALL OF AMERICA TO SEE, so that the next time you see her fumbling her way through a Home Shopping Network sales pitch, you can’t say shit. Because she’s a sick lady, a pained lady. Straight up.
i’m playing Paula songs for the rest of the day- in mourning of her funtime slurring. I like her high!
There are a lot of questions surrounding her ‘plane crash’ – like the fact that there’s no record of it. Anywhere. You might be able to keep reporters from making a story of it at the time (if you have a LOT of pull) but to keep transportation regulatory authorities from even noting it? Or that the alleged crash happened far off-route (almost an entire state north) from the flight path of the plane? Or the numbers of ‘back surgeries’ required after the ‘crash’ that change from interview to interview?