First off, I want to say that as of right now I really don’t have any inclination to get gay-married. In case I ever do though, I want it to be legal. This is why, when straighties take advantage of their right to get married it makes me angry.
One thing that I can’t stand above all other things is a Bridezilla (meaning a bride that becomes super obsessed with her wedding, so much so that she alienates herself from all of her dearest friends, nearly starves herself, and is so fed up with the whole affair by the wedding night that she is too tired to notice her new husband sticking it to the maid of honor right up her butt-hole, purely for revenge).
Here are several ways to tell if you are being a bridezilla:
Did you impose a weight limit on your bridal party? Did you purposefully un-invite your dumpy friend Margaret because her pasty skin wouldn’t look good with the gauche dusty mauve dresses you are forcing on your best friends? Do you realize that the fatter your bridesmaids are,the skinnier you will look? Of course not, because you are a bridezilla.
Are you dead set that your fiance can’t see you in your dress before the big day? Did you electrify the closet and surrounding areas within the vicinity of said dress? Did your dog die when he accidentally licked the electrified wire? Upon finding his corpse did you breathe a sigh of relief that your dress was okay? Do you insist on wearing white even though you have done everything except a gang bang with your soon-to-be groom? If a speck of dust gets on your train, are you going to pop a blood vessel in your eye and lose control of your previously constipated bowels? If so, you just might be a Bridezilla.
Did you hire an actor to walk you down the aisle because your dad’s mustache makes him look like a 70’s gay porn star? Did you give your mom 12 pairs of Spanx at your bridal shower so her cooter-pooch wouldn’t be bigger than your gown? Did you purposefully push your prettier little sister down the stairs so her new black eye would make her dodge all the wedding photos? You are definitely a bridezilla. And I hope a swarm of bees flies out of your bouquet and stings you repeatedly giving the illusion that you have 30 nipples, like the cow that you are.
No wedding is ever perfect. In fact, the most awesome weddings I have ever attended involved a laid back bride and a lot of liquor. Brides that focus too much on their wedding never really get to enjoy it – so snort a few xanax and let your mother and the party planners take over or you will just end up pushing your new husband away.
Right into the arms of someone laid back, like me.
P.S. As many of you know, our Editrix Bryce Gruber is currently engaged. She has retained me as her personal bitch-slapper in case she gets out of hand and becomes a Bryce-zilla. That is what gay best friends are for, after all.
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