I recently took a pretty big risk with my relationship. For those of you who have been reading, you know I have been dating a British guy unexclusively for about 10 months. I am aware that he may freak out when he reads this, but regarding that, I have two strong points to make:
1. Nobody knows his secret identity.
2. (Spoiler alert) We aren’t together anymore.
We managed to date for 9.5 months without exclusivity because he travels a lot, and wasn’t sure if he could really commit to a relationship. This was fine with me, because I could have my cake and eat it too.
And I love cake.
Things progressed a bit though, and eventually I allowed feelings to develop. So, eventually I decided to call him on his bullshit and offer up some terms (he likes to negotiate). I proposed that we try exclusivity for 2 weeks to see if anything else would develop. We tried it for two weeks, and at the end of them, he decided that he doesn’t think he can commit to a relationship. His reasons were many–he just came out, his parents don’t accept him, he works too much, he travels too much, he is mentally screwed up in the head, and he is hurt from his last attempt at a relationship.
None of the reasons he gave were valid in my book. The reasons I would have accepted are as follows:
1. I don’t think you are the right guy.
2. I want to fuck other people.
In my book, the reasons he gave all stem from fear. Making the decision not to be with someone because you don’t feel a connection, or you want to fuck everything with a butthole makes perfect sense to me because it is proactive. The reasons he cited were excuses, not reasons. And I was not willing to accept that.
My point however, is that I don’t regret the ultimatum, and I don’t regret the two week trial, or the 9.5 months of dating. They were all proactive steps that lead in a direction. I was sure that I wanted to go in that direction. So I did all that I could, and put myself out there 100%. All he had to do was meet me in the middle, but he wasn’t ready to, which is also fine.
You can’t force someone to be with you, or to love you, or to be strong enough to take a chance on you. All you can do it make sure that every time, you put yourself out there, vulnerable, and willing to be hurt again and again. It may happen one time, or 1,000 times, but you just have to keep the faith that one day it won’t happen anymore. On that day you will have found the guy that is worth it. Until then, you should take every risk that comes your way, never be afraid to love, and especially never be afraid to lose.
I know this is uncharacteristically serious and sappy for me, so I will finish with this one, existential thought for you to think about:
Ass-fucking.
