I have what I consider to be one of the coolest moms on the planet. Before I even had an opportunity to try drugs, she told me if I ever wanted to try them to come to her, and she would make sure I did it safely. When I came out of the closet, her paraphrased response was: You will probably die of AIDS, but I will get used to it because I love you anyway. When I was much younger, and I asked her how babies were made, her response was one, or more euphemisms for the word fucking. How do you get to become such a cool parent, you ask? You just decide not to worry to much, because your kids are fucked no matter what you do.
If you coddle your kids too much, you end up with whiny,needy children that can’t stand on their own two feet. These children eventually get into unhealthy relationships with people willing to take care of them, and that is how adult baby fetishes, and grown men breast feeding happen.
If you are super over protective, you end up with children that are afraid of the world around them. You will not be able to be around them every second of every day for the rest of their lives, so when these children fall, they fall hard. This is how crackheads and Republicans are made (just kidding, Republicans are obviously created by hatching from golden eggs).
If you are too strict with your children, you risk alienating them for the rest of their life. The second these kids slip out of your control, they escape forever and slip into other things, like alcoholism and random orifices. You end up with a drunk slut, which is probably your worst nightmare.
The only way to be a cool parent and raise a well-adjusted child is to let them make their own mistakes. Don’t second guess what you are doing too much, because your children’s personalities will find a way to escape no matter how hard you try to contain them. Always remember that you are raising another person, not a clone of yourself. When your children fail, be there to support them, and don’t imagine for even a second that their failure reflects on you at all because that is selfish. The most important tip to becoming a cool parent is to love your children, but allow them the freedom to figure out who they are on their own. Love will guarantee that they always come to you when they need you. Freedom will make them strong enough to survive everything else.
Oh, and get some magnets to spell out curse words in their baby pictures. That will give you all a good laugh when you are growing old together.
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