We all have relationship issues from time to time. They are those little problems with our partners that start off as mild passive aggression and eventually build upon one another until they take over our lives and make us curse God, screaming “Why, oh why did you let this ass-munch into my life to torment me forever? Is it because I’m planning to vote for Michelle Bachmann?”
Luckily, as a liquor connoisseur I am here to give you some helpful advice on alcoholic beverages as complements to relationship pot-holes.
He cheated on you with an equally attractive girl: Tequila. You drink tequila for one reason, and one reason only: You don’t want to remember your night. If your guy cheated on you with someone in your range of attractiveness, then the only Christian thing to do is cheat on him with someone more attractive than him. It is called revenge, and its best served with a dash of salt and slice of lime. Call up your girlfriends, buy a super expensive bottle of tequila and then go out on the town. Do whatever it is in your heart to do. Then, when he asks about it tell him that you don’t remember.
He cheated on you with a less attractive girl: Whiskey. You have to drown your sorrows, because if he cheated on you with someone less attractive it means that there is something you aren’t doing right. I am going to assume it’s blowjobs. So have a few glasses of Wild Turkey, get on the internet and learn everything there is to know about blowies.
He cheated on you with a more attractive girl: Vodka. Vodka is a celebratory drink, and if he cheated with someone more attractive then it means you are lucky enough to be dating someone who can get really attractive girls. That means you can get another one just like him who knows how to keep his dick in his pants. Vodka is also one of those drinks that keeps you alert, yet brave enough to smash in his the windshield of his new Mustang and key the words “Cheating bastard” into his snowboard. Also, its flammable should you decide to set his clothes ablaze in a dumpster fire of epic proportions.
He lied to you: Red Wine. Liars are typically lazy people with low self-esteems. This is because lying is easier than telling the truth, and often-times the lies cover up someone’s short comings. Red wine, if consumed in the right frame of mind can turn a bright, happy individual into a sobbing, morose, angry, belligerent homeless person. Liars want to take the easy way out, so torturing him with your emotions for 8 hours straight while you finish off every $3 bottle of Merlot that Trader Joe’s has to offer is a surefire way to make him think twice about fibbing ever again.
So you see, there really are no relationship problems that can’t be solved by drinking. In fact, I would go so far as to say that every healthy relationship needs a dose of liquor every now and again to keep things fresh. I would also say that if you are gullible enough to believe anything I have said here then it is a small wonder you were able to find a relationship in the first place. Either that, or you are drunk already. Cheers.
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