The bad news is that you forgot to get your boyfriend a gift for Valentines day, and today when you were snooping through his shit like the psycho you are, you found the gift he got you. Now your vagina is in a twist because you have to get him something or you will look like a gold-digging heartless whore.
The good news is that guys are incredibly easy when it comes to gifting. Here are some suggestions from your resident gay cupid.
Blow job: I know every time you do it your gag reflex kicks in and reminds you of your brush with bulimia and laxatives (best diet ever) in high school, but Valentines day is the one day you should suck it up. Pun intended. For gay guys, blow jobs are a common occurrence like free cocaine and watching porn. For straight guys, blowjobs may come less than you do when he is riding you like a skateboard on ice. So take one for the team. A little known trick is to squeeze your thumb with your fingers when you go down on him so that you think of anything but the fact that you are getting face raped.
A Coupon: for a full day where you don’t call yourself fat or ugly. I know you think that saying detrimental things about yourself is a great way to get compliments and make your relationship stronger, but trust me – every time your boyfriend has to lie to you and pretend like anyone would ever look good in a paisley scarf it drives a tiny wedge between you. You should save these minor manipulations for when you actually do get fat because trust me, you are already walking down that road. After you pop out a few kids you are going to be rolling down that road.
Anal: I know this one is pretty obvious, but if your boyfriend gives you something especially touching and heartfelt then you should do the same thing for him. They say that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. I say that assholes are a guy’s best friend. If you don’t believe me just take a look at your boyfriends best bro.
Food: Every man, gay or straight loves a good meal. Every woman (as it is written in the bible) loves to cook. This really is a win-win situation for straight couples and a lot of expensive restaurant bills for the gays. What you make doesn’t even have to taste good as long as you serve it with a cold beer.
A Threesome: DO NOT ever ask your boyfriend if he thinks your obviously gorgeous girlfriend is attractive. If you do, you are asking him to lie to you which is bad for any relationship. It is also a very have your cake type of thing to do since chances are your smussy was smoistened with thoughts of one of his basketball buddies at one point or another. Don’t ever ask him if he thinks she is attractive, but do make sure you know which one of your friends is the prettiest. The gift of all gifts is to propose a threesome to him. He won’t feel like a skeez because he didn’t ask for it, you will come off as the most awesome girlfriend ever and have bragging rights with all his friends, and lets face it: You may pretend like it only happened once in college and you have never thought about it again, but you secretly yearn to be a scissor sister. 3 birds. One threesome.
With a little creativity, and a lot of lube you can salvage your Valentines day by giving your guy the perfect gift. Or, if what he got you was really heartfelt (expensive) try all 5 options at once. If he doesn’t wife you up after all that then he is probably gay. (So sent him my way already, you selfish demon woman.)
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Best thing I’ve read all day!