As anyone with even a modest knowledge of social etiquette will tell you, certain conversations are only meant for certain situations. For instance, you wouldn’t talk about what a slut someone was at their funeral (unless that someone was me and you were commenting on how many hot guys came to pay their respects). You wouldn’t talk about how ugly some babies are, in front of someone who just popped out an infant that resembled Wilt Chamberlain. When you are between the sheets, there are just certain conversations that don’t need to be had; here is a run-down of the off-limits topics:
How one time you contracted gonorreah. Although this should seem obvious, as a journalist with integrity I feel that I have to idiot-proof this article. So maybe there was that one weekend you saw that band at that show, got really drunk, and ended up hooking up with a lighting grip that you thought was a band member because he had long hair and wore leather pants. A week or so later your giney felt more tingly than your face after an acidic exfoliating peel. So you went to the doctor, took a few pills and everything was once again right with the world. Everybody makes mistakes (including those that involve penetration); the bedroom is no place to discuss it.
How big your exes dick was. I have actually had to explain this to a certain editor of a certain website that I may or may not be writing for right now. You NEVER talk about your exe’s dick to your current boyfriend whether in bed or not, unless you are saying how intensely tiny it was. Talking about your exe’s dick will either turn whomever you are currently with off so hard that his penis retracts into his body instead of yours, or turn him on so much that you have a 2-hour fuckathon where he is picturing Michael Fassbender’s head on your body, you tiny-titted, inspid woman. Unless you are referring to your current partner, cut out all the cock talk.
How you were molested by your priest. It obviously happened to most of us. The only place it should be discussed is in a confessional or a court room.
How you feel a yeast infection coming on. Even gay guys don’t understand the female body. Straight guys are completely clueless. If you start talking about a yeast infection, your man will likely be picturing delicious dinner rolls in his head, and you and I both know that an actual yeast infection is far less appetizing than a steaming hot lump of bread. I am going to go ahead and say what we are all thinking: Vaginas are ugly. Thinking about their inner workings, functions, and maladies is enough to turn a man away from women forever. (Actually, on second thought discuss away. Send them over to my team!)
How you can’t wait to get married and have a baby. If you discuss marriage and babies in the bedroom, your man is either going to think you poke pin-holes in the condom and are trying to trap him, or that he just slept with a psychotic husband-hunter who is going to tattoo his name on her ring finger, and then stick it in his rectum during sex in a desperate effort to give him the best orgasm he has ever had. If you want to talk about marriage and kids, do it with your girlfriends over a pint of Haagen-Dazs. The truly devious women of this world trap men into marriage the old fashion way – by playing it cool and putting on a poker face.
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I think you need to calm it down with the woman-hating. We know you are gay, but your disdain of women is offensive. Was Mommy not nice enough to you when you were a kid? Sadly, you have an easily accessible page, advertised on a legitimate news page, so your blog can be seen by hundreds of people daily. I have a suspicion that your inflated ego needs to be taken down a notch, so please stop perpetuating the myths that all women need to “trap men into marriage”, and that their body parts are ugly. “You tiny titted, insipid woman”? Really? You small-penised, egotistical moron.
Woah. Chick above clearly does not understand sarcasm. I don’t normally condone douching, but you might consider it, Lucy. All that sand up there is making you cranky.