She’s Just Not That Into You

According to a study conducted by researchers from Indiana University and Humboldt University of Berlin, a woman’s body language towards a potential suitor only tells the truth 50% of the time. Statistically speaking, what men might mistake for sexual interest means absolutely nothing half of the time (big surprise there). The study also points out that the men’s actions were predictable 61% of the time. Which leads us to conclude that-wait for it-women are harder to read! (According to the study, some women’s actions are so unpredictable that 80% of students involved falsely identified their behaviors as suggestive of interest).

We’ve heard this all before. Maybe women give the wrong vibes, or maybe some men are too dense to accept that someone might not be all that attracted to them. Most likely, it’s a combination of the two. With the help of some friends (both male and female), I’ve compiled a list of sorts that should curb both of the guilty parties from committing dating sins:

1. Your plans never come to fruition: This is probably the number one, sure-shot way to tell if a girl likes you or not. She might answer your calls, texts, and e-mails, but unless she eventually agrees to a date of some sort, she’s probably just stringing you along. This is something girls might do when they like someone else, but aren’t sure if it’s going to pan out. You’re being responded to because you are the back up plan, or the potential friend-with-benefits, or some other subsection of male that you don’t want to be. When a girl likes you, she may hesitate to hang out with you at first (this is what playing hard to get is, after all), but the truth is, she wouldn’t purposely drive you away; and she would probably (secretly) re-arrange her schedule a bit to get some alone time if necessary. Men are known to do the same.

2. She’s all about the group hang: Sure, group-hang is nice in theory. Maybe she wants to meet your friends, maybe she wants you to meet hers. But once that ship has sailed, it isn’t cool to have a posse of chaperons every time you see her. Like I said before, alone-time is key. Alone-time should be something she wants to happen, if she likes you. Don’t confuse alone-time with sexing-time, though. Alone-time just means she feels comfortable enough hanging out with you without a buffer or escape route.

3. You only hear from her in times of need (or inebriation): I know when a guy wants a girl, they think they should play SuperMan: being that ear when she’s having a nervous breakdown, or paying for her when she’s broke, or helping her home when she can’t remember her address. Maybe you’re just sparing her from spending the night alone. Whatever it is, she’s calling on you because the guy she wanted to save her didn’t notice/care that she was in a sticky situation. You’re old reliable. Don’t be old reliable.

4. She becomes completely asexual: If you talk about sex at all and she desperately tries to change the subject, she’s not comfortable with viewing you as a sexual being. If she squims like she has sand caught in her bikini bottom because you brushed up against her, that’s not a good sign. If she dry-heaves at the suggestion she sit on your lap during a road trip (but was fine sitting on someone elses’ moments before), take it as a red flag. If you used to have sex, but don’t anymore; put a fork in you, ’cause you’re done.

5. She’s never where she used to be: Before she gauged your interest in her, you knew this girl’s entire schedule: you could find her at her regular bar, her regular restaurant, her regular jogging path. Suddenly; it’s like you imagined her. She never seems to visit the places she once frequented. It’s not all in your head: she knows you know where to find her. This is an avoidance measure. If you go out to eat with a group of friends, she conveniently sits as far from you as possible. She’s hoping for an out-of-sight, out-of-mind outcome.

6. She’s not looking for anything serious: This might be true. Some people don’t actively seek out relationships. But if she tells you that upfront, it’s probably because she doesn’t want a relationship with you.

Welcome to the Friend Zone; Population: You.

7. She talks about other guys: I’ve slipped up by mentioning another guy when I didn’t mean to in the past. Why didn’t I mean to mention it? Because I liked someone who was in the audience. This is a gaffe that happens, especially when there’s alcohol involved. But if her ideal conversation revolves around talking about her hot neighbor, or her hot co-worker, or your hot friend; it’s probably on purpose. She might even be hinting that she wants YOU to facilitate the hook up. You’re dangerously close to friend territory when you start hearing about how your brother looks like he’s capable of lifting heavy weights (clue: she’s talking about all 125 pounds of HER).