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There is no denying that men and women have very different ideas on what constitutes a relationship, and of course the meaning of sex. To men, the majority of sexual encounters are mostly physical. To women, it can involve crying, emotional highs and lows, anger, and babies. As a gay man who has a certain empathy towards the plight of women however, I thought I would throw together some tips to help you navigate the sexual realms of men.
1. After we ejaculate, do not touch our genitalia. After a man orgasms, his immediate response is to roll over and either go to sleep or leave. The emotional buildup of orgasm is just too much for men–so that afterwards all the feelings drain out of us instantly and our dicks become super sensitive–so much so that it is painful. So after a hot bout of schtupping please step away from the cock. If you really want to impress a guy leave the room and make him a sandwich.
2. The only reason guys engage in foreplay is to make women happy. Contrary to popular belief men really do want the woman to have a good time–mostly so she won’t tell all her friends how small his dick is. Encounters between two guys often consist mainly of taking off our clothes–we don’t even need to know each other’s names. So the next time your guy “caresses” you just keep in mind that it means he cares about you. The only thing guys actually like to “caress” is the TV remote.
3. If your boyfriend has to ask for a blowjob, then you aren’t doing it often enough. This phenomenon doesn’t exist in the gay world because we fully understand and acknowledge the importance of oral. In the straight world I know there are certain stigmas and moral objections attached to the act, but facts remain facts. If you want your relationship to work out, you need to take matters into your own mouths.
4.Your vagina is a beautiful thing. Frankly ladies–and I am sure you agree, I don’t find vaginas particularly appetizing. Georgia O’Keefe was one sick bitch. Straight men, however have some kind of fascination and attraction for them. So don’t be ashamed of yours because it isn’t ashamed of you. Show it off. Buy it gifts. Take it out for a night on the town. Have sex without shutting off all the lights within a three mile radius.
5. If you think of yourself as a slut, then everyone else will too. It doesn’t really matter how many partners you take or how many booty calls you give in to–if you hold yourself in high regard then everyone else will follow suit. Society may try to impose rules on you about sex and relationships but following those rules is completely your choice. So stop talking shit about each other and every time you get the urge to call another girl a slut think about the time you woke up in a stranger’s bed with a condom in your ear and a sharpie tramp stamp in the shape of a downward arrow.
Then give that girl a high five.
