Just when I thought the crazy breakup emails were enough to make me think “OK, world, I think that’s enough technology for now!” my old-ish friend Jen came along and reminded me that human decency is basically out the door and nearly extinct. I was interviewed earlier this week for a NY Times article on the subject of tacky gift registries, and finally decided that it was time to just air out all (Jen’s) the dirty laundry.
So, Jen, you’re completely ridiculous for registering yourself on a honeymooner’s website for a trip to Paris with your dog. I mean, I get it, your breakup with Jason wasn’t easy- but you and I aren’t even close enough to be exchanging gifts to begin with. Really, I think we speak like 8 times a year? I don’t think I’ve even seen you in person since last March, and I certainly don’t feel inclined to buy you a $400 hotel stay in Paris. If anyone other than your over-indulgent parents participates in this it’ll just about blow my mind.
Besos and all that special stuff.
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Jen xxxxxxx <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Tue, Dec 4, 2011 at 4:56 PM
Subject: instead of getting me a gift certificate or a sweater from scoop for Christmukkah…
I wanted to let you know that this year is going to be different than all the other years before it. Basically its because I’m going out of my way to live more fabulously than ever before and I thought you might want to hop along on my journey, with Porky, my cute as a button 2 year old yorkie mix.
As you know, I broke up with Jason a few weeks backs so I won’t be going on any holiday trips with him this year. That’s okay, but I still want to live my life. So I’m going to PARIS!
I’ve set up a honeyfund.com account that you can find by searching my name. You can contribute towards my airline tickets, buy me champagne for 2 (18 euros per glass), a steak au poivre dinner in my favorite city (75 euros), or help out with each night of my hotel (around $400 American dollars). I think it makes sense for everyone since you plan to buy gifts and I need to get away anyway. Honestly I don’t really NEED another sweater (unless you want to send one in addition).
If you plan to be in Paris also we can meet up there- my plane leaves JFK on Dec 26.
Muchas gracias and all that special stuff,
[ yorkie in a beret via ]