V-Day Survival Guide

You know that nauseous, sick feeling you get in your stomach after swallowing something you were told was chicken and you KNOW isn’t and now you’re, well, fucked? I get the same feeling whenever I think of Valentine’s Day. I understand there are women everywhere who count down the days until this blessed event, but I, my friends, am not one of them. I am the hater of romantic comedies, the shunner of all things sappy. A romantic misanthrope, if you will. Everyone’s hugging, everyone’s kissing and everyone’s just so filled with love. If I see one more Zales commercial I’m going to puke. And it will be all over your bouquet of chocolate roses. Here are, in my opinion, the 5 best alternatives to “celebrating” this “holiday.”

1. The Firing Range.  How many times have you watched a movie and wondered how your aim would hold up against the robber/rapist/thief/child serial killer trying to attack you? Nothing says, “Screw this holiday” more than firing off a few rounds.

2. Drinking beer. Don’t get me wrong, I love wine. I’ll drink wine any day of the week. Wine is like a good friend who always listens and doesn’t tell you to put your clothes back on. However, this is not the day for wine. You know who will be drinking wine today. This is the day for beer. The opposite of wine. I’m not talking about a sipping a dark lager, either. I’m talking can-on-forehead crushing, funneling, shotgunning brews. Nothing says “F you Valentine’s!” like staggering down the street half naked after a failed “switching clothes with your new friend Duncan” game reeking of Natty Lite and bar floor.

3. Rent “It’s Simple Darling,” Zsa Zsa Gabor’s workout video and try to figure out if the threesome took place before or after filming. Bonus if you find me one of the spandex lederhosen the men are sporting.

4. Throw a no-pants party and invite only your friends who will really not wear pants. None of this shorts nonsense. They’re just baby pants.

5. Get some work done. Celebrate yourself, not your co-dependence, with a few fillers or a lift. While everyone else is gorging themselves on chocolate and other heart-shaped foodstuffs, you’ll look better than them.

Now that you have options, hop on the non-valentine train. Shades on, pants off.