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Think of pet nicknames as a matrix, where both the sweetly sentimental and the barely tolerable co-exist. There are elaborate creations: playful re-arrangements of your SO’s name, Seussical rhyming schemes, and of course enough onamonapia to make your kindergarten teacher proud. Then there are the classics: honey, sweetie, darling, which depending on who they’re used by and how, can provoke just as varied a range of responses. Some people find them ordinary; I find them a sweet nod to the days of my grandparents’ courtship (Is that weird?).
Whatever your tolerance for sugar-coated nicknames, they’re good for more than just annoying your friends. Psychologists have long acknowledged the many ways pet names can be powerful bonding tools for couples. They can soothe tensions during or after an argument, and indicate your pairing to outsiders when they’re used in public.
Throughout my time in the laboratory known as life, I’ve observed friends with their own Love Bugs. The names they like to call and be called have a lot to do with their own personalities. For example, a guy who drops the name “Diva Goddess” into plain sentences will probably not find much to be shy about. And a girl who loves when a man crowns her his “Princess” will probably not be pleased with one of those ‘fun dates’ at Olive Garden.
Because I currently am not calling anyone anything besides “friend”, I came up with this handy guide to what we really mean when we sing “Just call me angel” and actually mean it.
“My” Names: My Everything, My Enchantment, My One True Love
You were, are secretly aspring to or are currently in a boy band.
Grossout Names: Egghead, Fart Face, Dumby Pants
You think that comic strips are ‘the news’, and you are nine years old.
Names coined by soul singers: Sugar Mama, Diva, Goddess, Main Squeeze
You love to turn any floor into a dance floor, and at one time, have owned multiple gold chains.
“Sexy” Names: Hottie, Sexy, Hot Stuff, Don Juan
You only ever date someone for a few months, and have had to close your Facebook several times because your man got too jealous.
Names of Food: Honey, Sugarplum, Peach, Cupcake, Pumpkin, Muffin
You swoon over any guy who watches Extreme Makeover:Home Edition… on Friday nights.
Baby Names: Pookie, Shmookie, Num Num, anything with -poo at the end of it
All of your friends are currently thinking about how they can avoid coming to your dinner party next week.
Animal-inspired Names: Kitten, Lamb, Bug, Birdie
Your childhood room had rainbows painted on the walls and you once spent a full week without leaving it in order to “save the whales”.
Heavenly Names: Angel, Saint, Cherub
You married the first person you dated.
